Sunday, September 28, 2008

A bit behind

Okay, so I've not posted in awhile I see. Maybe that's causing me to lose only about 2.5 pounds this week. Gerfumplekle. Oh, I and I miscalculated obesity with me. I am down now to 153.2 - I have 1.2 pounds to go before I'm merely overweight.

I had SO hoped (and counted on) releasing all I needed to release this round. I thought I discovered that frozen lemons that I somehow justified as being okay to eat on this protocol despite it clearly not being on the protocol was the culprit to my slowdown as when I cut them out, I lost a pound overnight. Since then though it's been an average of .2 pounds a day. It's very frustrating. It's making me kick myself when I was bitching about a .6 per day average.

I find myself very angry, as I'm sure is coming across in these posts. That's okay. I believe I've been pretty damned angry for sometime and again, along with releasing this weight, those negative toxic feelings I've been pushing down and storing away in me are also being released.

I did a meditation the other day I remember my dad (the one who adopted me, not the one I spoke of earlier) did with a woman who had anger issues. He had her back up her anger in her mind on a floppy disk (dates me much?) and to store that on her bookcase, just in case she felt she needed it back. I awoke in the night the other night while listening to my meditation CDs and did the same (though I stored it on a writable CD instead - I mean, come on). Not sure if it helped but I liked the idea of it.

Today we travel North to visit with my bio-father, his wife, and my half brother and his boyfriend who are visiting from out of state. I need to plan my food. I think I'll eat my protein before we leave along with my veggie and just bring an apple with me. My step mom is the queen of Weight Watchers (teaching classes, etc) so I am a little worried about having to explain what I'm doing.

I promise to check in more.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Back to no longer obese

I've decided to just relax and go with the flow. My body will do what it does. I just need to follow the guidelines and let go.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Strike the no longer obese part

I gained almost a pound over night.

I'm f&@$* %&@ sick of this.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Whoops! Forgot to say...

I'm no longer obese!

Holy Crap!

Another 2 inches off my waist... SINCE FRIDAY!! I'm also down another 1.8 pounds for a total of 12.9 pounds. WOW. I actually managed to get my loose size ten jeans over my hips, buttoned, and zipped. Now I wouldn't wear them out (I was overflowing in them), but this is in and of itself a major accomplishment.

I'm sick and tired of this diet today, but the progress has given me renewed hope. Although slight, there is a possibility I will reach my goal weight by the end of next month. If not, I'll order more hcg and start again after the holidays.

Friday, September 19, 2008

No more complaints about not losing. I GAINED on less than 400 calories.

.2 pounds. I measured my waist last week (I've not been good about that at all) and it was 36 inches. Today it was 35 so although the scale is taunting me, good things are happening nonetheless.

I'm outta here until Sunday. I'll be without a scale so this should be interesting. I'm taking with me fish, apples, and cucumbers, and lots of tea. Hopefully the scale will have a lovely big release surprise for me when I get home!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008


I'm not sure what has sparked the emotional outpouring I'm experiencing this morning but I find myself just crying. I'm sure releasing the fat is also releasing trauma stored there.

I am having a hell of a time expressing what I want to say here. The last couple years with this weight have been the toughest. Daily I would drink so I could sleep, and also found myself so comfortable in the numbness that I could relax about my body when I did so. Not great for connecting physically with my husband and we've been drifting further and further away from each other. We love each other deeply, but the wall between us was undeniable. We talked about it even before I started this protocol and have worked on reconnecting ever since. It has been wonderful, but even more so since I started this protocol.

I don't know. I feel like all of it was necessary. All of it. The weight, the pain, all of it. It almost feels like I went to University to learn all I could from this, including the hiding. I feel like I've learned what I needed to and now it's my graduation. Time to release the weight and keep the lessons, and move on - time for that weight to teach someone else who needs it.

I am 1 pound away from being overweight and not obese. I lost another .8 pounds, despite the splitting of snacks into thirds and the extra lemon.

I walked the kids to school (half hour each way) with our dog. We'll be doing that until it's too cold to do so. It felt great.

I'm so sorry I've been checked out of our life for so long. I love and appreciate you more than I can express. My struggles haven't had anything to do with you. You're a wonderful husband and friend, and I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have you in my corner. You're unconditional love and support means everything to me. I'm so sorry I've not been capable of giving back as much as I should. Thanks so much for your patience. I'm getting there. :)

Till next time

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

I stuck to the protocol, but stretched my strawberries and lemon out a bit

We're allowed the juice of 1 lemon per day. I had 2. I also split one of my snacks of strawberries into 2, totaling 3 times today having them. We'll see tomorrow if that has negative consequences. Goodness, I hope not!

I can do this, I can do this, I can do this...

down another 1.2 pounds....


Monday, September 15, 2008

So tired, but doing well! Had a party tonight for the Mayor and I stuck to the protocol!

My weight finally budged a bit - down to 159.4, so down .4 since Saturday. I wish it were more but I think that may happen soon as I am fairly sure I am having my cycle.

The County Mayor had a meet and greet at my home tonight - I was so excited, as I am a big fan. I ate my chicken before guests arrived and stuck to water only the entire night. After they all left, I ate half a lemon (I read we could have the lemon juice the equivilant to an entire lemon, so I figured it was protocol safe) and 12 strawberries and a few cherry tomatoes. We shall see how that goes since it was pretty late.

Speaking of, I am so wiped. Time for bed!

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Still in the 150s (159.8) but no loss

I didn't drink enough water yesterday. We went to an amusement park for my husband's yearly company picnic. I did stick to protocol but it was 9 pm before I got dinner (with tobasco sauce) so I suspect that coupled with the full moon I could be hanging on a bit. I'll be better today about water. Today and tomorrow will be nutty. I have the Mayor doing a meet and greet tomorrow evening at my home - cleaning and organizing, getting the food and decorations, all of that will have me insane. I must remember my water and to eat! I hope after that is all done, the losses will start back up in a bigger way.

more coffee...

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Doin' a happy dance

Back in the 150s... oh yea, oh yea! Hey 140s, here I come! Do be do waaaaaaaaah say what, YEAH!

Friday, September 12, 2008


I feel really, really happy.

I'm still alive!

Okay, so far so good after my silly 5 day dose yesterday. I'm down another .8 pounds. SOOOOOOO close to being back into the 150s! I can do this, I can do this, I can do this.

I'm not going to take any more doses until at least tomorrow. The hormone sticks around in your system for 3 days so I am still riding high after yesterdays screw up! Still sticking to the protocol. I'm actually getting use to drinking coffee without cream. Not bad!

Until we meet again...

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Official idiot here!

Did you know that .5 ml is NOT the same as 5 ml?

Me too!

AND YET when I switched spray bottles (from plastic to glass) to do my sublingual doses, I followed the instructions to use 30 sprays to get 5 ML.

5 ML.

I am to take a total of 1 ML per day, split into 2 doses, morning and night.

I took 5 FRICKIN' MLs today of hCg! 5 DAYS WORTH OF DOSES!!!!!


tobasco no problemo

I'm down 1 more pound! WOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

This is so doable. I can I can I can do this!

I'm amazed at how I'm feeling. I swear, the biggest thing for me is not being afraid to fall asleep anymore and if I lost no more weight on this protocol, that would have made everything worth it.

It's hard to explain but it feels like I'm coming full circle. I've been doing so much emotional/energy work over the years, with a lot of work just in the last couple years. It feels almost like a Spring Cleaning. Anything that no longer serves a purpose for me is going. Wow.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

I hope tabasco sauce doesn't stall me

I've heard it has for others, though for the life of me I cannot figure out why vinegar, salt, and peppers would stall anyone, especially in such tiny amounts. I'll report tomorrow as to how I do with it.

I am so much better than yesterday. I did some calculating of possible weight loss scenarios to see where I'd be at the end of the 60 day supply of hcg I have. I have real hope I can make it to my goal by then. I'd love, love, LOVE, to be at my goal weight before my husband's family arrives for his birthday. We've not seen them since 2 years ago in may. I was 15 pounds lighter then. I would LOVE to be where I was when we lived near them. I'm not telling them about this protocol. I am visualizing myself back in my size 6s and watching them as they walk through the airport to meet us and seeing their eyes pop out in amazement at my transformation to the size I was when we were closer. I have this in my mind and this is what is moving me along.

I was at the store today for strawberries and spinach when I passed by a greeting card that caught my eye. I continued to walk past it, thinking about what I read, and then I turned around and went back and promptly bought it.

It is now on my fridge.

Okay. I can do this. Officially at week 1 of VLCD

I was so discouraged yesterday and close to tears most of the day. I felt tired, hungry, and helpless, not to mention fat. I had what felt like the worst depressing PMS symptoms I've experienced in a very, very long time. I'm feeling a little better today.

I'm down another .8 pounds. Today is exactly one week since I started the very low calorie portion of this protocol. That day I weighed in at 168.7 pounds (close to my all time high of 169). Today I weigh in at 162.2. 6.5 pounds down in a week. I am not going to sneeze at that. Besides, this weight loss is different than most - it's fat being lost, not water and muscle. It could potentially be lost forever, not quickly piling back on.

I had an epiphany last night too about the way I'm storing my hCg. I have it in a small plastic spray bottle. Plastic. It dawned on me that that too could be slowing things down. I will switch to glass the next batch (which should start any time now).

I'm going to stick with this, no matter how slow. I'll lose as much as I can in the next 50+ days and if I don't reach my goal by that time, I'll move to phase 3 through the first of the year and start again after the first, though I suspect I'll be right close to where I want to be if not actually at my goal.

I can do this, I can do this, I can do this...

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

I'm exhausted and hungry and a little bit more than discouraged.

I hope with all I am that this is PMS. I am so tired and I just cannot believe I haven't had a better week.

Off to close my eyes.

I slept.

My husband comes back today from a business trip. Last night I slept without him. The key word here is that I SLEPT. I am simply amazed.

Down another half pound. I had better success with Atkins in getting rid of a lot of weight initially but never could get past that first big loss so I'm hoping this, although not as fast, will end up with more weight lost overall (and for good).

More coffee...

Monday, September 8, 2008


Well, I must say, it was all I could do not to go all low carb to see if I couldn't shake out a couple extra pounds. I am happy to say, I stuck with the protocol (though I am craving salt in a bad way. I am more convinced than ever that I have PMS (it usually coincides with the full moon) though I was unsure if sore breasts and salt cravings were normal with this protocol given the hormone!).

I am on a couple HCG forums. Some on phase 3 and 4 are talking about these delicious things. I need to try to forget they exist for 6-7 more weeks! Gah! I am thrilled to have the recipe for when the time comes.

Okay, here is something that has been happening ever since I started this protocol. I get vivid pictures in my mind of places I've been over my lifetime. Somewhat like a slow motion life flashing before my eyes, only they are more like random memories just popping up every now and then. I mention this now because I was just remembering clear as day the house my ex-husband moved into after we divorced. Yesterday it was California. The day before that, Hawaii when I was really young. Very strange.

I'm munchie. Time for the spray, then time for bed.

Till next time...

.2? Are you kidding me?

Not sure what's happening and why my weight loss has already slowed to a crawl in week 1. Perhaps that time of the month? I am sans Uterus but still have my ovaries. Let's hope that's it. :(

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Darn you, garlic salt!

I was truly amazed I didn't lose more this first week. I just read about someone else who started the same time I did and is down 9+ pounds. THAT is what I had expected for myself, given this incredibly huge lifestyle change for me.

I had a nagging feeling I should check the ingredients of the garlic salt (which I've pretty much used on everything I've eaten this week, and not sparingly) and lo and behold. Corn starch and sugar are in the ingredients. GAH!! I have pre-cooked my chicken in it. I won't put any more on it and will buy a new sugar-free corn starch free bottle tomorrow. I have the feeling this is why it wasn't more TA-DA! Hopefully this upcoming week will be much better.

I had such a strange day. We've finished our basement which has forced me to go through 6 years of crap upstairs so I can sort what needs to be stored and what can go. I found an old floppy disk from when I had been in a very strange relationship with my diary on it. What a hoot! For one thing, I'd forgotten how much I used to love to write. I wasn't half bad, either. For another, it reminded me how far I've come, as well as what has always been true and constant, and what always will be. That core inside me of who I really am. Very much who I am trying to get back to. That's not the right terminology. I am that. I am trying to be just that, without all the baggage and protection I've built up. It's so easy to forget who we are.

One of the biggest things I've had to face is my fear of sleep. I've always had insomnia issues. Over the years, I found that if I drank, I could sleep. Of course alcohol messes with your sleep cycle so though I could fall asleep, the quality was terrible and consequently I've not been rested for a very long time. What's funny is how obvious it is to me now why falling asleep at night was such a terrifying prospect. I have no fear of taking naps during the day, and once I have fallen asleep at night, if I happen to wake in the night, I am not afraid to sleep again at that point. I haven't been able to let myself just fall asleep.

The first night of the protocol was the worst. I would catch myself falling asleep and jolt myself awake (it wasn't for a lack of exhaustion). I finally dozed off at about 2 in the morning. It has gotten steadily better ever since I finally faced that it was because of a childhood trauma. I never dealt with the fear of falling asleep at night before. I had some inkling bubbling underneath the surface of my consciousness, but it didn't surface completely until now. Such an "Ah-HA!" and "DUH!" moment! I hear that trauma like that is stored in your cells as much as anything and that releasing fat can bring these traumas to light to be dealt with (or not). So, I made an effort to communicate to myself that I was no longer in danger. That I have a husband to protect me even if I were, and if he's not here, one bad ass German Shepard who would kick ass if I were threatened.

I have slept better and better each night since this discovery. Amazing, truly. What a gift this has been. So, my garlic salt had sugar and starch in it. Foo foo. I can fall asleep for the first time in YEARS without having to take something! Now THAT is something. Hopefully next time my husband is out of town, I will be able to as well. That is always the hardest time (even with wine to soothe my nerves).

Until next time...

A little late

My friend at introduced me to the sublingual HcG protocol. For that, I am so eternally grateful!

I started the protocol August 31st (had meant to start the 30th on the Full Moon, but figured 3 days before/after would be sufficiently effective, and I was afraid to start, quite frankly). I gave myself 3 "load days" which I had so hoped to enjoy but found myself so stuffed I felt nauseated most of the time. I truly think part of the load days is to psychologically get you so sick of food that you don't mind eating next to nothing when you start on the Very Low Calorie Diet (VLCD) portion of the protocol.

I was told that a large part of this protocol is emotional. I've heard stories of people losing heaps of weight, only to gain it back because they never dealt with the emotions that were stored in their bodies from various traumas. The weight loss is just one aspect of it all. I've not sat down to write out the emotional discoveries I'm having and that's what this blog is all about. Less about tracking my physical progress (I have a fitness program for that) and more about addressing what is coming up for me that I've been repressing otherwise.

So first and formost, a huge THANK YOU to my dear friend at for being brave enough to try this, and even braver to share her experiences. Without you, I don't think I'd have done this. I wasn't even aware of it until her but certainly not brave enough to try it without her.

So, some quick figures and then onward to the fun stuff.

Starting weight: 167.4 and start of my load days
Load day 2 weigh in: 166.6 (yeah, I know I actually lost - it happens to some, and is not typical)
Load day 3 weigh in: 167.6 (gain of 1 pound and .2 pounds over my original start weight)
Day one of my VLCD (and after 3 total load days): 168.7 - a total net gain of 1.3 pounds)

Now for the VLCD losses - Day 2 (after 1 day of 500 calories): 166.4 (2.3 pound loss)
Day 3: 165.2 (down another 1.2)
Day 4: 164.4 ( .8 pounds - had hoped for more, but will not complain - I blame all the salt that day)
Day 5 (today): 163.4 (1 pound even)

So from the very start I have lost a net 4 pounds. I have lost a total after the load days of 5.3 pounds.

As far as the losses go, I'm happy they're happening. I wish they were bigger losses as I've heard amazing stories of those starting this and their first week being out of this world with the losses. I've done Atkins and South Beach and had similar/better losses but could only lose about 5-10 pounds before everything stopped. So, we'll see. I need to give this a real go. Nothing else has worked. In fact, this is what I posted to a forum about that:

I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank all of you for sharing your stories and your experiences. I feel like I'm finally home! This struggle with my weight has been lonely and hard fought. Hours of exercise and dieting to no avail. It certainly hasn't been for a lack of will power.

I am 5'. When I got pregnant with my son 8 years ago, I weighed 114. 3 months after having him (I gained 40 pounds during my pregnancy), I was down to 110 with diet and exercise.

When my son was 9 months old, my cycle returned and I gained 20 pounds in 1 month, and it slowly continued to climb. I couldn't imagine what was happening, only that it coincided with the return of my cycle so I knew something was going on with my hormones. My periods were lasting 7-10 days with a 5 day break and then another 3 days on again. Doctor after doctor simply told me that I was depressed and tried to get me on anti-depressants. Well of COURSE I was depressed! I was gaining weight at an alarming rate and I was having 2 periods a month, and my hair was falling out! Who wouldn't be depressed?! I tried a couple antidepressants but after 1 day on each of them, I knew it was a bad idea and stopped immediately.

After a lot of research, I found that I had the symptoms of hypothyroidism. The doctors had tested me for it but I was in the "normal" range. Then I found out that the "normal" range had changed, but that most doctors used the old ranges for diagnosis. I was not in the new range of "normal". Although it wasn't severe, it needed treatment. I found a doctor who would work with me and was put on Armour. Not much, but enough that it made the world of difference as far as my hair falling out. I didn't lose weight, but have maintained between 155-165 for the last couple years so long as I account for every calorie.

A girlfriend of mine started hCg last month. I knew nothing about it really, but watched her in fascination. She's been at this for about 3 weeks and has lost 20+ pounds! She is doing it sublingualy.

She gave me courage and I began to research. I am SO glad to find this list (and the others I've found) as I feel like I am reading my own story again and again and that THIS time, I may have finally found the answer! That I may actually be able to heal myself once and for all!

Thanks to all of you for your advice and for sharing your stories, pictures, and encouragement!

Okay, all that said, I'll post the emotional discoveries another day. This post is far too long as it is.

Until next time...