Getting a grip. "AH-HA! ... duh..."

Lavenderdiva, THANK YOU. Your comments these last couple posts have blessed me. I actually had a clear idea as to what I was going to write tonight and then read your comment on my last post and saw that you said what I was wanting to say, only more centered and clear and I cannot tell you how blessed I feel that you're a part of my life. Truly blessed.

I realized tonight what a miracle I am. What a miracle my life is. What a miracle this protocol has been for me. What a miracle this community of blogs has become for me. What a miracle that we are transforming right before our very eyes - physically, emotionally, and spiritually. What a miracle!


I have always had the Universe's support. Always. Life isn't about routine and playing it safe. At least it never has been for me. To be so fearful of the change I crave so dearly is understandable, yet really silly when I consider what my life has been.

There was a long time when I wasn't so afraid. The only thing I feared was falling asleep and some men. In 1996, I got into a car wreck that totaled my car (left me unscathed thankfully), got divorced, and the family business went belly up. Within a few months of all that, I began having panic attacks. I thought I was dying. I was sure every time we drove over a bridge, it would collapse. I became paranoid that someone would poison my food if we went out to eat. Forget flying, elevators, or escalators. Even then, the Universe stepped in. A HUGE package of xanax ended up being mailed to my home, addressed to someone else. My parents and I tried to locate this woman to no avail. After I had a particularly bad attack, my mother gave me one and I realized I wasn't dying after all, and in fact felt quite good. I then went to a doctor got a prescription.

I continued to have these attacks for 2 more years. I remember walking through a grocery store with my mother having an attack and in tears telling her that I knew that one day, I would be well again. One day, I would not have to take a pill to stop me from believing I was dying. One day, I could tell someone who felt the same way that they too would get through this someday.

I haven't taken a xanax in over 10 years. The last time I had an episode that had me believing I was dying was 4 years ago. Sometimes I feel it coming on but I know what it is, and I'm not dying. I ride the wave.

My full blown panic is gone. My anxiety is still an issue, but I am a miracle. I am loved and supported. I am powerful. I can transform. I am proof of that. 

Life is incredible. To have a perception based on physical limitations is incredible.


The best drug to calm nerves is the truth. I've found it before in books such as "A Course In Miracles" and Gangaji, as well as Byron Katie's "The Work"

Thank you all for continuing on this journey with me. It helps to share it with you. It helps so much when you share with me.

We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves. - Buddha