Wednesday, September 22, 2010

120.7 (+ 4 over LDW)

I'm struggling right now emotionally, and I believe that has a lot to do with my weight at the moment.

I am due to start my cycle tomorrow according to that blood work I had done which also makes a difference, especially since I've been craving chocolate and salt, both of which I fell into last night. I am not happy about it but I also know there is no point in beating myself up over it as well. It is what it is and I did what I did. What sucks though is I have a wedding on Friday. Think I can drop a couple pounds between then and now? Last steak day only yielded a .2 drop. I'm doing high protein, low carb today. May do a steak day tomorrow. I'm waiting to experiment with an apple cheese day when I am in range just to see how my body reacts since carbs are difficult with me. This is the weight I'd hoped to be post load.

I'm also scared. I am scared of what they will or will not find today during the MRI on my foot. I am also scared of the lump I found in my breast. I'm also scared to fly and I will be making a big flight in a couple months.

I'm also very, very angry right now. The culture here is becoming more and more intolerable to me. I am furious that the school district sent home "opt out" waivers so parents could keep their children from watching the President give a message about how important school is. I'm furious that our very corrupt Governor will win re-election against a man who is so incredibly qualified for the job, but because he has a D marked down for his political affiliation and the fact that he's Catholic and not Mormon, he will lose. I am furious that I am surrounded by women who are so depressed they have to be medicated - 2/3rds of our State is, and that's just those who have prescriptions.

I am furious that my husband doesn't get why I am so desperate to move. I'd be pissed if it were just he and I, but I am furious because it isn't just the two of us. We are raising two children here who will never totally fit in, and my poor daughter is considered less than just because she is female. I'm pissed. I'm really angry and I realize I've not let myself feel this rage because it is so intolerable. The dam done broke though. I can't not feel this anymore.

I really don't know what to do. I feel like I'm a hostage. I've lost almost all hope.

It feels good to let this out. I probably shouldn't have while waiting between HCG consults as I have tears in my eyes. Fortunately my next client won't arrive for another 20 minutes or so, so I have time to regroup.

Thanks for listening to my rant. I love all y'all.


lavenderdiva said...

I'm sending you LOTS of great, big hugs right now. You need a great, big hug! I'm so sorry all of this is hitting you right now, all at once. Not to diminish ANY of these issues, but I'll just bet the emotion they've roused in you is due to TOM-PMS.

I feel strongly that you need to sit down with Mr. helderheid and express as clearly to him as you have in this post -- maybe just read him this post -- all of the issues pulling at you. He loves you dearly. I know he wants you to be happy. I have a feeling he doesn't know what to do or how to start a change in your family's life. You two need to lay out a plan to move. The move may not happen this year or next. BUT, if you two laid out a plan for the foreseeable future that would move your family elsewhere, I truly feel you would feel more hopeful.

Your weight is reflective of where you are month-wise right now. It will probably drop 1-2lbs after this TOM stuff. No doubt about it: you are going to get BUCKET-LOADS FULL OF COMPLIMENTS this weekend at the wedding. Mark my words! Do not let your day be ruled by that darned scale!! You look beautiful, you are wearing clothes sizes that one to two years ago, you just dreamed about. You HAVE (note the past tense) fulfilled a dream of yours!! Enjoy it. Those are marching orders!!

I understand feeling scared about your MRI and your lump. However, you will hopefully, have an answer today about your foot. Have you made an appt to see about your breast lump? If so, when is it?

You have a couple of months to work on your fear of flying. Have you tried hypnosis or meditation for it? Between now and then, do something concrete to address this. Take charge of it- YOU, not the fear, are in control!!!

I love you dearly.

Caitlin said...

Hi... I am thinking of you and I respect you for getting all of your frustrations out. Sometimes I get so angry about how things are done and the state of our culture I want to scream, but I never let it all out. So, your body and mind will thank you for releasing all the things you did in this post.

My thoughts are with you... I hate saying something like "It will all work out..." but I don't know the right words to say you can, have and will do great things with your lovely life! You make the world that much more beautiful with your thoughtfulness and compassion for all.

Kathryn said...

Thank you for sharing and letting it out - this is a safe place to vent and we all care about you. I cannot believe how political affiliation and culture can have such a far reaching impact - it is just terrible.

I am sending you good thoughts about your MRI results. And about the flight - have you possibly considered maybe some hypnotherapy to relieve some of the fear and stress of flying. It worked wonders for my mother and her fear of driving on highways in winter weather.

And, dont lose hope. Just remember that no matter how insurmountable a situation seems you have the power to make a difference.

Big hugs to you.