Saturday, October 31, 2009

VLCD #28 - 120.7 - New plan, lovies... new plan...

Wow! Down from 122. 120.7 on the NEW scale, 120.1 on the old one! Ah, teasey teasers!

So, yesterday was to be my last dose day, but then I had this lovely drop. That said, I will do what I did last round - dose so long as I'm releasing. The morning I step on the scale and see a gain (or even the same perhaps), I will stop dosing and take the day before as my LDW. I just assumed my body was done releasing until the lovely numbers today. The hunger has subsided as well. Very, very odd.

Happy Halloween!

I'm going to treat it as the Pagan holiday it is in the day, and gather everything I'd like to let go of and burn it (test results, contracts with clients who walked away, and some of the writing I did here). I'll have copies of everything I need still, but I want the symbolism of burning all that has haunted me this year. Yes, I watch Eastwick. I thought that was brilliant!

This evening it's trick or treating with the kiddos. My husband normally does this and I'm hoping he'll step up with year too. I did the whole school parade thing surrounded by screaming and H1N1 coughing infants as well as the day off thing with all day play dates. I prefer to stay home and hand out the goodies. We'll see if he sees it my way. He's already told me this year it's my turn. I'm just not seeing that. :)

Off to dose!

Friday, October 30, 2009

VLCD #27 - 2 new pimples and up .5

I'm craving chocolate in the worst way, as well as red meat. I'm planning a steak day for day one of my P3 just because I have my mouth SET for a filet mignon! PMS anyone?

So, 122 today. Day 27, and 122. Pre-load weight 123.4.

What have I accomplished though has been invaluable.

It has been a fantastic pattern interrupt. Some habits that needed breaking got the break they needed. I've been supporting my stressed out liver with great supplements and hope the next blood test has good news on that front.

I've faced some truths about myself and my family that I absolutely needed to face.

I've discovered some neglected corners in my soul that needed the light shown on them. I also had an ah-ha about my relationship with my natural father and realized he truly didn't mean to do this to me. It wasn't his intention to shape my world in such a twisted way and to make me feel the need to hide everything. He just did it. I'm not sure why that was such an important thing to realize, but it was. It removed any power he may have had in that area of my life. I'm not sure if I'm making sense. I hope I am.

All that aside, I measured myself the other day and though I barely lost anything this round, I did lose inches. I'll report official totals when I have my husband help me with it, but it looks like an inch off my bust (didn't know I had an inch to go!), a couple off my waist, and a couple off my thighs. Like I said though, I'll wait until he measures me as I am notorious for messing that up!

Thanks everyone. :)

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Rumbly rumbly tumbly - VLCD #26 (oops, I was off by a day before) 121.6

Down .1 on both the new and old scale. Old scale has me at 120.8. Goodness, I would looooove to see 119.9 :D I suspect I will when I hit P3 - for some reason I drop the first couple days. Unless I have PMS, which is possible - Full moon, and I'm breaking out. Snarfle.

So, I'm thinking rather than having my sorbet, I'll make protein shakes with my strawberries until I hit P3.

I am showing homes tonight. It's with a guy that I showed homes to last year before I started my first round. Last time he saw me, I was close to 170 pounds. Hee!

I have no dresses, I realized. I was hoping to wear my new kick ass boots with a dress or skirt and I only have one skirt at this point that is really a Spring/Summer skirt (and one I've hung onto for 12 years!). My kids get out of school early today and I'm wondering if I have time to scoot out and do a little shopping. It would be nice to have a couple new things I could wear for work that aren't just slacks.

Oh, I have my appointment with the psychic next Thursday. I am really looking forward to it. She is beyond amazing and does it all - palm reading, numerology, astrology, and tarot reading, as well as her own intuition. I saw her 2 years ago and was blown away. I saw her again near the first of this year and what she described as happening to me between the meetings absolutely blew my mind. She had specific dates about major spiritual and physical transformation that coincided DATE by DATE as to when I started and stopped both HCG rounds, and described the transformation so perfectly. Anyway, I'm very much looking forward to discussing my situation with her and gaining the confidence I need to take the next step.

Thanks for listening to me! Happy releasing, stabilizing, etc.!

Wednesday, October 28, 2009


Oh my heavens. That "ravenous hunger" Dr. S. talks about experiencing for those with no more abnormal fat to lose is UPON ME! I've already had my 1.5 pounds of cucumbers and 2 (YES 2!) portions of protein... and I am STARVING.

I am upping my calories, no more than 1000 and P2 friendly foods. Damn, I so wanted to see the 110s, but there was no guarantee I would anyway, and there is no way I can live with this hunger. No. WAY. Friday will be my last dose day. Monday evening I will be in P3.

VLCD #24 - 121.7 (120.9 on the old scale) - down .5 from yesterday

Still up .5 from a few days ago.

I added the protein shake, but I only had one other portion of protein. I think some part of me is really scared about adding more calories in the off chance that I could, in fact, get to the 110s. I have about 12 days left of hcg but can stop at anytime now. I am getting markedly more hungry. I really think I should be having 3 protein portions at this point.

My mom, who as you know is one of my best friends, read all of the insights I put down here last night. She had a good thought. We know a psychic here in town who is by far the most intuitive we've ever come across. She's called it almost every time (she does phone consultations, by the way) and mom suggested I may want to take all of these insights to her and have a reading. It may be just what I need to focus that energy in such a way that I will feel confident when bringing it to my husband.

So, I'll work on the letter, and I'll make an appointment with her. Perhaps for the full moon if I can. That seems quite appropriate.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009


VLCD #23 122.2


I'm adding protein. A Jay Robb protein shake, to be precise. 1 scoop of plain unsweetened egg white protein powder, a dropper full of chocolate flavored stevia and 100 grams of frozen strawberries. Deeeeeeeeelish. Totally bites my hunger. 130ish cals.

I'm completely uninspired to write but I wanted to report in.

Off to get ready for my day... dental cleaning, oh JOY!

OH, I almost forgot! I bought knee high black high heel boots - I'll share soon! WEE!!

Monday, October 26, 2009

No, no! The OTHER way! THE OTHER WAY! 122.3 - VLCD #22

Gain of 1.1 pounds. *sigh*

I was so hoping to see the 110s today, at LEAST on my old kiss assy scale! No, it had me at more than a pound gain as well.

Today I must get back on track with my house attack in between checking on my transaction and replenishing my grocery supplies. Lots to do. Hopefully there will be enough time to go over what I've written and re-set the mood for writing my letter. I know the act of doing so will be as cathartic if not more than the other writing.

I'm suddenly hungry. *double sigh* Off to get coffee and deliver the kidlets to school.

Thanks for all the lovely comments from my new picture!


Sunday, October 25, 2009

121.2 today - VLCD #21

Loss since load, 5.5
Loss since pre-load, 2.2
Average daily loss, .26 pounds per day

Actually, given I averaged .5 per day last 2 rounds when I had a lot to lose, this isn't that bad. I had expected it to be slower. Heh.

My old scale is still kissing up to me and had me at 120.2. He'll show that NEW scale. HA!

It's been a nice surprise to have 3 consecutive days of losses. Who thought that would happen?? For losses on the HCG protocol to be a surprise??

Yesterday I tried on 2 pair of pants that were way on sale I just had to buy them (this was a couple months ago in anticipation of this round). I bought 2 pair of dress slacks from J.Jill - normally $79 each for $19! Size 4. They ALMOST fit. I can put them on, but I wouldn't wear them out. 3 more pounds, I bet they will fit. My 6s are all getting loose. I really need to measure myself.

I still haven't started on my letter and I fear the longer I let it go, the easier it will be for me to crawl back into my shell and fester. I must get it out while it's still fresh. I may need to re-read some of my entries to truly feel again what I need to in order to do this. I won't do it until the kids are in school and he's at work. It's too hard to do it with them all here. In the meantime, we're connecting really well in every other way. I'll be so glad when I can rid myself of this artificial wall.

Good news is I think my buyers may finally get their home. Fingers crossed, everyone. The game of real estate seems to change on a whim! I feel good about this though.

Keep up the blogging, my friends. I so enjoy reading what is happening with you all!

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Real beauty

I'm sure many of you have seen this before, but it's worth seeing again and sharing:

Today my new scale says I released .4 pounds and has me at 121.5. My old scale insists I lost a whole pound from the last reading it gave me and has me at 120.5. Guess it's trying to get back in my good graces. It's entirely possible I may see the hundred teens yet, though I truly am fine if I don't. I like my body, and who occupies it. Thanks Christy in Seattle for the incredibly kind words about that. :)

It will be interesting to see what the rest of the week holds. The tenderness I was experiencing is gone completely. I am steadily getting more hungry though. Curious.

Today I am off to show homes again, though one I'd planned on showing is sold. Great sign for the market. Not so much for my buyers, though I've been visualizing that the perfect home finds them. We'll see!

I'm going to have my husband measure me today and see if I've lost inches. I'm curious. This has been such a bizarre round!

Thanks for listening. :)

Friday, October 23, 2009

Figures. 121.9 ( drop of 2.4 overnight) Heh!

Okay, well NOW what to do? I think I'll do one more low calorie day before I judge this drop. It could easily all be back tomorrow! :) Can't say I wasn't thrilled to see the number though. 121.4 on the old scale. This could all be attributed to my tummy woes yesterday. I did manage 567 calories (I had extra strawberries at about 9 last night) but I had horrendous stomach issues and was sick last evening. We'll see what the scale says tomorrow. If there is a drop or it remains the same, I may give the VLCDs a week longer. I am SO CLOSE to the 100 teens. If I gain, I'll assume it was being ill that caused the drop.

Lavenderdiva pointed out that I'm clearing out room by room in my house just as I'm doing the same in my emotional house. Very appropriate! Speaking of, I made no progress yesterday. I had too much going on. Tomorrow I'm showing a couple homes but I am determined that this weekend is the weekend that we attack the garage. It WILL be totally cleaned out and reorganized. I can't believe the crap in there. I also need to get my parents' snowblower out of our shed so I can take pictures and sell it. They owe me a little money so I'm hoping we can sell it for enough to take our Thanksgiving trip out there next month.

I'm feeling really, really good today. I'm excited at the prospect of being able to reconnect with my husband. I am really excited about being able to understand me well enough to explain me to him. I'm feeling so confident that he'll get me and understand that "get over it" isn't a game plan (yeah, he's said that before - and that DOES work for him. Me? Not so much).

My kids are out early today so I better get to it. I would like to finish the kitchen and maybe even my desk (GASP).

Toodle-oooo, buckeroos!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Executive decision

I've been wondering since I've not lost any weight, abnormal or otherwise, how I am surviving on 500 calories a day. I hope I'm not damaging anything! Anyway, I will increase my calories tomorrow. I have some plain unsweetened Jay Robb egg white protein shake mix that I will make a morning smoothie mixed with strawberries and a little vanilla stevia for breakfast. That will add 130-150 calories right there. I am also planning on doubling my protein portions which will add an additional 200 calories. That gets me to around 800. I may increase my sorbet as well. I'm looking forward to it as I've been stuffing myself with so many cucumbers that there was no way I'd be hungry. I like cucumbers, but 2 pounds a serving is a tad much. I will re-start yoga (and maybe pilates) as well.

Technically I could stop dosing Saturday and start the 72 hour thing Sunday. I'm thinking though of extending it one week with my last dose Oct 30. This would have me end the 72 hours on the full moon. I started on the full moon so it seems most appropriate.

I'm forming a letter in my mind to my husband explaining why I've been so checked out and why I've been so afraid to talk to him about certain things. We need to reconnect that way. We both need to be able to express from the heart without fear. I'm getting there. I can actually conceive of it now which even yesterday was hard to do. Hopefully he'll see that these have been my own demons to deal with but because of them, I need his defenses down when I approach him about my feelings. I have great hope and faith he'll get that.

I thank you all again and bid you adieu.

VLCD #19 - 124.3 - up 1.2 pounds, .9 over pre-load weight

I have a lot to think about right now. Since getting what I needed to get out, it feels like energy that lay stagnant for so long is suddenly swirling all around me. It's a good thing and is freeing me to ask more questions about myself. One in particular which is so crucial to putting the pieces of this puzzle together is why do I hide?

I've hidden my feelings for so long out of fear. I've hidden under layers of fat and behind false smiles. I've hidden my own feelings from myself. Now, why is it I don't feel safe? I am finally acknowledging these feelings with myself. Why am I afraid of the man I am in love with? I know I fear being rejected. I fear having to make hard decisions about my life based on that if it were to come to that. I know that. But the lack of feeling safe sharing my feelings go beyond that.

It wasn't always the case, but the longer I've been in this relationship, the further I've withdrawn within myself, and even from myself.

Lavenderdiva asked if he was much older than I am. 6 years, not much, but the question triggered the thought about my natural father.

I've been dealing with demons from that relationship for years and years. Just when I think I've cleared out all the cobwebs and shown light in the dark corners, I discover another closet I've neglected to see before.

My father, my natural father, was a terrifying man. He abused his children in many ways. I've dealt with and forgiven him for some of the most heinous abuse, but I've never quite dealt with my need to hide.

When I was 5, after dinner we were allowed one oreo cookie. I took 2. I didn't know he'd count them. But he did. He then lined us up and asked who took the extra cookie. I was so frightened of him and didn't dare tell him it was me.

He proceeded to hit both my sister and my brother, but he left me alone. He knew it was me. This was his way of truly punishing me and this memory haunts me to this day.

Since living with him, I've hidden anything I thought might be disapproved of be it food, drink, spending, feelings, you name it.

Somehow I need to come to terms with this. My husband isn't my father and I am safe. Safe with my feelings, safe with my choices.

Thank you Lavenderdiva for pressing the "Ah-HA!" button. I know I'm on the right track as I'm crying; a sure sign indeed.

As far as my plans for this round, again thank you Lavenderdiva - I will stay on the minimum days and make a decision after that, though I am fairly certain given the total lack of loss I will end it after that. I may even go ahead and increase to 800-1000 calories and incorporate exercise in. This has still been an invaluable round for me emotionally and a much needed detox.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

What am I doing?

I mean really. I am on my 2nd vial of HCG and am .3 less than my pre-load weight. Who am I kidding here?

Conclusion (so far)...

I want to live close to family. I want to be surrounded my like minded people, where I feel my children have a real chance of meeting others like them as well. Where they don't send home waivers to opt out of seeing a speech by the President based on religious freedoms. Where I don't feel like such an alien. I finally realize that this isn't unreasonable.

Please don't get me wrong. I am so grateful for my family and everything we have. I am so grateful that I am still in love with my husband. He is the most brilliant man I've ever met. He still makes me laugh, and he is the most sensitive and incredible lover I've ever known. I am so grateful he's supported me in so many ways all these years. I'm grateful for our children, and for our beautiful home. I know he's tried. He's an incredible provider. That's not the problem.

I don't want to move every six months anymore, either. I do, however, think it's unhealthy to stay here. We're stuck in a rut. There's no reason to stay, other than moving is a pain in the ass. Still, I crave that new adventure. A new city to get to know surrounded by like minded people, including my family. I'd love for my kids to grow up around their cousins. I'd love for my husband to go sailing with my brother. He used to love to sail. I'd love to explore the vineyards, camp on the beach, and have a new perspective. "Change is as good as a rest", Thomas the Tank Engine says. And perhaps after 7 years my feet may get itchy again, but every 7 years I think is a great compromise.

I love him with all my heart. I've learned over the years that as long as we're on the same page, which we are about most everything, we get along like 2 peas in a pod. It's when we differ on opinion that it's horrible. He and I have very strong opinions. I believe that's one of the things that drew each other to one another.

When I originally wrote all of this out, I realized some of my angst with my relationship was being muddled with the angst I feel about my situation. I will try my best to separate them out for clarity. He and I have one of the strongest marriages I've ever seen, but with all relationships comes their own special set of challenges. So the next bit is about that.

We're both stubborn. Sometimes I feel he puts his foot down simply for the sake of putting his foot down.To be right for the sake of being right. It's how I feel about his smoking, too. That it's passive aggressive. That he's punishing me for not quitting when we had both tried together.

Before I became pregnant, we both decided it was too expensive to smoke. After a few days of stopping, I failed. He came home from work to see me smoking. He declared that if I was going to fail, there was no point in his quitting. Not long after that I did become pregnant and stopped. He continued. In fact, he continued in our apartment. I had to plead with him to smoke outside, much to his dismay. He was not happy at all about it, but did reluctantly comply.

My experience has been that his first inclination is to say no to change of any kind. I've become terrified to speak frankly about my thoughts, wants and needs for this very reason. I need hope and I fear having them dashed. It's unfair of me to keep these feelings away from him though, and my opinion is just as valuable as his. It's just taken a long time to even be able to own what those opinions were. He is no mind reader, and he wants to please me. Any request for change from him I believe translates to him that he hasn't succeeded with me, which is absolutely not the case. I want so much for us to come together defenselessly and speak our truth. We both deserve that.

VLCD #18 123.1 or 122.2

The old scale is so much more kind. Still, I'll go with the higher weight.

It's amazing what a good night's sleep will do for one's attitude. I feel better.

Last night when I wasn't so calm, I did something highly empowering. My husband is the one who always mixed my HCG. I was always intimidated to do so, but after last night, I didn't want to ask him to. I was actually out all day Monday and I missed yesterday's morning dose, and I was beginning to feel hungry so I knew I couldn't wait any longer.

I am very pleased that I did it all by myself... and it was easy. Seriously, what was so scary about that??

I sent a "truce" note to my husband this morning. We'll see if he lets his guard down.

I'm going to grab another cup of coffee and then it's time to attack the kitchen. Today I am getting a grip on the laundry and "pack" the kitchen. Anything I've not touched in 6 months GOES.

I'm going to post the last of what I'd written before about what I've been processing. I suspect I'm not done writing, only now it will be how I'm processing what I'd written. I must say, I am feeling better. Just having it out has been so incredibly helpful. Having YOU all to talk to about it has been amazing. I really didn't know what to expect but the support and the encouragement has been absolutely invaluable. THANK YOU.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

What a day

Hey guys. Lavenderdiva and Christy in Seattle, I've responded in the comments of the last entry. Thanks for being so thoughtful and caring.

It's been an exhausting day. I was so pleased with myself. I spent the entire day until it was time to get my kids from school, working on the living room. I didn't know it needed that much work but when I started ripping and tearing, it was obvious how long it's been since I'd done that. About 2 years, actually, as that was when the carpet was ripped out and the hardwood was put down. I threw away a gigantic bag of trash and made it look like a room in a model home. I was thrilled.

I picked up my kids, went to Ikea, and we picked up new knobs for the kitchen cabinets which were broken and dated. I got home in time to eat my cucumbers and my sorbet before I had to drive 40 minutes to show 3 homes. My husband came home as I was working on the cucumbers. I told him I loved him and off I went.

I showed homes to buyers who have looked at homes with me since May. Their home finally sold last month and we've gone through 2 failed offers - one because the inspection came back with all kinds of problems and the other was the appraisal came back way low. These poor people. 5 months later.

Anyway, I arrived home at close to 8 pm. The kids were in bed and my husband was sprawled out on the couch watching TV. The laundry was right where I left it. The dishes from dinner were right where they left them. I proceeded to change out the laundry, and fold it. I then went to load the dirty dishes in the dishwasher as I made myself my chicken. I came across a dish with dried on ketchup. It was the final straw. I've asked OVER and OVER again for them to rinse the dishes. It shouldn't be too much to ask. I lost it.

"What the hell does it take to get anyone in this goddamned house to rinse a goddamned dish?!"

His response?

"All you had to do was ask."

I was so upset, what came out of my mouth next I'm sure was incoherent dribble. I know I tried to basically get across the fact that I had asked, and that it shouldn't be a leap to figure out when the laundry needs changing or when the dishes should be loaded and I shouldn't be picking up his cigarette butts for that matter. I just flat out LOST. IT. He went down to the living room and slammed the door to the basement.

"What the hell was THAT for?"

(insert snarky sarcastic idiotic tone here) "I just want to know why no one in this house can close this door".

Now the logical, sensible person in me knows that he's reacting out of guilt. The I haven't-lost-any-weight-in-almost-3-weeks-despite-500-calories-a-day-and-working-both-inside-and-outside-of-the-home-asking-for-simple-help-over-and-over-and-no-one-giving-a-damn-about-that me wanted to scream.

We're not really talking, needless to say.

VLCD day #17 - 123.3

- .1 from my pre-load weight and a number I am much more comfortable with than 125. My other scale that lost its mind is now pretty consistent again, weighing about a half pound less than the new one. I'm logging the higher weight.

My headache is all but gone. HAPPY DANCE! The ones I get aren't so bad that I'm bed ridden, but bad enough that it affects everything I do. I have to move slooooowly which certainly doesn't help cleaning and sorting.

Because I used to move every 6 months or so, it forced me to sort before each move. I never held on to anything that I hadn't touched for 6 months, unless is was seasonal. 2 years ago, I pretended I was moving while sorting my kitchen and I ended up with bags and bags of stuff that was either donated or thrown out depending on its condition.

As you all know, I'm restless as all get out so I plan on taking each room and packing as if I'm moving, only instead of into boxes, it will be piles - ones that stay and get re-organized and the others that go. I wanted to start Monday but I felt so awful I couldn't manage. Today is the day. I'm going to blast music and make a good first stab at it. First the living room and the kitchen and then my office, and then I'll attack the upstairs bedrooms and bathrooms. It will probably take a couple weeks to do a proper job but it must be done. I am housecleaning my soul and body, and it's time to do the same with my surroundings. The energy is stagnant and it's TIME to get it FLOWING and GLOWING again!

Monday, October 19, 2009


I went to disinfect my bottles with the vodka I bought (ginger flavored) and noticed they were sticky. There are no listed ingredients but I bet there's sugar in it. Off the the store I went and got straight vodka but this means the stuff I drank on my anniversary not only had alcohol but SUGAR. I know cheats can cause up to a week of stalls. GREAT. I've already been on one for 2! O_o

today's entry on the story

One of the reasons I went back to work was because I didn't want to live in denial that something bad couldn't happen to us. The fact is, my husband might die or we might not make it in this marriage. I needed a way to support myself and my kids if God forbid that happened. After all that, I'm just in debt.

We moved here 7 years ago.

Somewhere along the way, as in so many relationships, I became "comfortable" in my routine, and have lost my spirit and identity. I see it in him, too. He spends his free time either on the computer playing games, playing with his dog, reading, and every weekend he spends at least 3 hours a day napping. He's checked out. He has no friends here. He's so far in it I don't think he sees it himself. He lives for his work, and the rest is all distraction until bed.

I got myself involved in local politics to save my sanity (which he also became jealous of), but even that was a poor substitute for having a real life with real, genuine friends.

We're in Utah. We're not of the predominant faith. We have no friends or family here. I'm a liberal in a very conservative state. And now I know why I've been drowning.

I need say that I've got nothing against the LDS religion (or any religion for that matter). I just don't want it affecting my life. I know lovely, lovely people who are members of the LDS faith who are open and accepting of me. I certainly don't want to paint with a broad brush, however my experience is my experience. The LDS church is involved in every State law there is in Utah. My family and I cannot help but be affected by "the" church so long as we live here. There is no separation of Church and State in Utah. Now, if I were a member of the LDS faith, Utah would be heaven on earth. There is a sense of community here I've never witnessed anywhere else in all my travels. It's truly incredible. It's just not my community, nor will it ever be. I can imagine it may feel the same for those who are from Utah and the LDS faith (and Utah LDS and others outside of Utah who are LDS are two very different groups) who have moved to communities where others like them are small in number.

I don't know why I didn't think about my own experience as a child growing up in Northern Utah when we were deciding on where to move. I was raised Quaker and was an outcast always. Now I am witnessing the very same things happening to my own kids. My son was recently told he would go to hell if he didn't convert. I was told the same thing at his age.

I'm supposed to want this. I'm supposed to want the home in the suburbs with the kids and the husband with the great career, especially in this economic climate. I'm dying. I have been for years. Drowning in my own body, feeling so guilty about it all.

I suppose, I actually do want it. I do. I just don't want it here.

Back up to 125

I still have the migraine. These generally last 3 days. I'll coast through. My breasts are still aching as well, though they seem better.

My weight is going no where. Passing around these few pounds for 2 weeks is beyond discouraging. I was so certain I'd be in the 100 teens by now.

I have some decisions to make. Do I spray 3 times versus 4 giving me a dose of 125 versus 166 extending my next bottle of hcg for 20 days or do I get through the minimum 23 days and call it quits? Do I continue 500 calories a day or do I start eating 800-1000? All signs lead to this experiment being over, except I am missing that one symptom Dr. S said I'd have and that is ravenous hunger. As far as hunger goes, this has been one of my easiest rounds.

I did "screw up" and had a vodka on my anniversary. I have no idea if I can blame that for this or not, given the pattern I've had so far. Hell, at this point I'd be thrilled to see 121.4 again!

I'll let you know what I decide. I'll also eek out more of the story if my head isn't bothering me too much. In the meantime, if you've got advice, I'd love to hear it.

Heh. For kicks I just checked to see how many pounds per day I'm losing on average. Get ready...

.11333333 pounds per day on average! WOOOOOHOOOOOO!!!

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Happy 10 year anniversary. My scale gave me a present. Finally, going in the right direction! 123.5! Down 1.5 overnight

Granted, it's STILL .1 OVER my pre-load weight 2 weeks into VLCD, but I'm thrilled. I knew that because I am considered a "normal" weight for my height that the possibility of not losing anything more between round 2 and 3 was up there. I am feeling confident that now after 4 days of gaining, that I am going the right direction and I believe I will at the very least hit the 100 teens. 2 weeks to go. I'd only need to lose 4 pounds to get there. I'm really hoping that since the last 4 days I gained 3.5 pounds that I will lose those 3.5 quickly as well. 2 more to go to get back to 121.5.

Today is my 10 year wedding anniversary. My husband is being adorable about it. He normally forgets our anniversary, but this year he is just showering me with love. I feel so incredibly fortunate to still be madly in love. I've never known anything like this before.

I wrote out all I felt I needed to yesterday in a word file and am eeking the story out here, however I am still processing it all and see where I need to make some changes. My angst is jumbled in the story and it really needs to be separated out as to not be confusing. I'll keep working on it and posting it in spurts here. The processing is so cathartic. I am really gaining an understanding about who I am and why I react the way I do, and why I've been so unhappy. I can't thank all of you enough for being my sounding board.

And now, a trip down memory lane...

Friday, October 16, 2009


When we moved in together initially, we agreed that until I had a career, I'd be a house wife. I had the kids and we could afford for me to stay home with them while he worked. It's how he was raised as well. Well, sort of. I later found out that whomever cooked, didn't have to clean up afterwards. Not the case in our home. Not that he "expected" me to, it's just how it ended up - to the point where I became the house maid for everyone. I'm not that good at it but it took me years to finally realize that I was doing no one any good by training them to leave whatever they were done with where it was for me to pick up. How I wish I'd figured that out earlier. The retraining isn't going so well.

A couple years after we bought this house, the house kitty corner went up on the market. My parents bought it. We even shared part of a fence in the back yard which we installed a gate in between so we could easily visit. This ended up causing a lot of tension between myself and my husband. It took sometime for me to finally figure out that he'd gotten quite used to having me all to himself and he didn't like sharing me with them. He told me once that he thought I was only with him because he could provide for me and that I'd prefer to spend all my time with my family, which of course wasn't true, but emotions aren't logical creatures by nature.

Eventually when my kids were old enough, I started a real estate career (right as the bottom was falling out in the market). My mother was my broker. I had some sanity at this point - I was working, which made me feel useful again. I was interacting with adults. I was working with one of my best friends.

Unfortunately, starting your own real estate company when the US economy was swirling down the drain wasn't the smartest idea. I did end up with a pretty good property management business, specializing in high end homes that weren't selling. We've developed quite the reputation for matching up qualified renters with these homes.

I have shown houses to 11 qualified buyers over the last 2 years. I've sold 3 homes in the last 2 years. This kept me very busy, but not making money, especially given the expense of starting a company from the ground up. I'm working with buyers now that I know will buy (I've finally figured out when I'm being used versus being hired), and I believe I will hang it up after that.

I'm getting off track here.

My father lost his job, like so many people have in this economy. He was now dependent on my mother and I making a living at real estate in order for them to keep their home.

Obviously, we didn't.

The home sits vacant now. The gate is still there. They moved out of state and took a care taking position to make ends meet.

Every time I look out the back window, I see their empty home. It looks skeletal to me now. Empty, lifeless, and a reminder of how much I miss them. How much we've lost. All those hopes dashed.

The rest of the story.

So, Ive decided to go ahead and just write out the whole story, best I can. I'll eek it out in blog posts as to not overwhelm, but I feel like time is running out and I need to get this all out of my heart.

When we moved to the States, I continued the Dutch habits I'd picked up... and so did my husband. He didn't try to fit into the culture. He is who he is and you take it or leave it. He had the advantage of speaking English quite well (in fact he corrects me at this point). He was also familiar with much of the culture from television.

Utah wasn't my first choice. As I said, I've lived all over. The one constant was my family, and here they were, so here we were. I didn't think too much of it at the time.

We arrived late June 2001. 2 weeks later, he had secured a terrific position at an insurance company as one of their network technicians. He works there to this day, having moved up in position to the top of his field so long as we remain here.

I feel fortunate he was able to secure that posistion as quickly as he did, as not long after were the attacks of September 11, 2001. Many foreigners were turned away for work after that.

September 11 affected all Americans in a very, very deep way. For me, it was something completely surreal. I had been away from the States for 2 years. I wasn't back 2 months when it all changed so drastically, I didn't recognise "home" anymore.

We found a home to rent, and about 6 months later I found I was pregnant again, this time with our daughter. Because the home we were living in had mold and was causing problems for our son, we moved. We rented another home for an additional 6 months while we built up our credit so we could buy a home. In July of 2002, we bought our home.

Our daughter was born a couple months later.


And the old scale on a perfectly flat surface has me at 124.9. If I felt skinner I'd be shocked, but I don't. I feel bloated and heavy.

Pretty amazing that in the last 2 weeks I've actually ended up heavier than my pre-load weight. I can certainly kiss 112 goodbye. Best I can hope for is to maaaaybe get into the 100 teens. I'm actually considering buying 1 more supply as I am determined this is my last round. I don't ever want to do this again.

Breasts are still sore, but less than before. I hope to see a drop this week. Forget the teeter totter round, try the hot air balloon round. Up, Up, and AWAY!!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Bought a new scale

I wish it had a back light. It was the only one that weighed in .1 pound increments so I bought it. Weight Watchers/Conaire brand. I've moved the other into my kids' bathroom so tomorrow I will compare. Should be interesting.

I've been at the VLCD part now for 12 days and my jeans fit just as they did before I started. I am statistically at a "normal" weight. Could be I won't lose this round. It will still give me the much needed pattern interrupt.

If I don't lose more, I'll do what Dr. S suggests as well as Christy in Seattle. P&I suggests one you have nothing more to lose, to up the calories to between 800-1000. If I do that, I'll also start exercising again. I may do that anyway, at least yoga.

Tomorrow should be an interesting day (at least for me). :)

PS - A couple of you have asked if I might be pregnant. Unless the Universe untied my tubes and returned my uterus, that isn't the case. :)


The wedding was the best wedding I'd ever attended. I've often heard no one can enjoy their own wedding, but that simply wasn't the case. We had a wonderful day with a mix of American and Dutch traditions incorporated throughout the ceremony.

Saying goodbye to my parents again broke my heart.

We returned to Holland. Shortly after, I started full time Dutch language school. A week later, I discovered I was pregnant with our son. I remember being shocked, ecstatic, and scared to death all at once. It wasn't planned. We had wanted to spend a year travelling, spending alone time together, and doing all we could do that would be difficult with children. Well, we ended up taking advantage of the nine months until our son was born.

The night I found out I was pregnant, I stopped smoking cold turkey after 10 years. This was the beginning of a long strain that has only grown over the years with my husband. 10 years later, and he is still smoking. I take every puff personally. That's a lot of resentment. Part of it is because I know he can quit. He was a bartender for a few years and he was once bet that he couldn't quit for a year. If he won the bet, he'd win a crate of Grolsch beer. He won the bet. The minute he was declared the winner, he lit up a cigarette.

Originally when I moved to Holland, we'd made a deal that we'd spend a year there, and then a year in the States and decide where we wanted to be after that. Because I became pregnant, that changed our time frame a bit. We stayed in Holland for 2 years. 2 years in once place. 2 years in the same apartment! I'd NEVER experienced that before. The most I'd ever stayed in one house was 6 months.

I had my son there. When he was 10 months old, we made the big leap. I have to say I cannot express enough gratitude for my husband for what he did. This is a man raised in Holland, in a culture and family that values roots. He quit his job, sold all the furniture, bought plane tickets for all of us to Vegas (closest airport to St. George, Utah where my parents were at the time), and we moved. No job waiting for us, just moved. Between the time the tickets were bought, my mother accepted another job in Salt Lake City, so we had to buy additional tickets from Vegas to SLC. The dogs bark, but the caravan moves on.

More to come. Again, thanks for listening to me. I think once I'm done, it will all make sense to me as to what has happened and where I am.

It's a new day

My scale was less neurotic this morning, though still way up. 123, 123.5, and 123.5. I'm good. I didn't buy a new scale yesterday, despite my best efforts. I went to Costco knowing they are great about the quality stuff they sell and their killer return policy, but alas they didn't have any scales for sale. This surprised me as they have all their Christmas stuff on the floor now and I would think with the New Year so close, they'd be selling scales. So, today I'll venture out to Target or Bed, Bath and Beyond and find one. The boy is back in school which makes this much easier.

My breasts are still killing me and feel so heavy. The zit on my chin has grown in size that I could reasonably assume the extra weight is right there! Yowza.

Okay, well I think I'll try to continue on a bit with the story before it slips away.

Where was I?

Holland. That's right.

I moved there in April of 1999. I was 24 years old. I knew being so far from my family, I would need a support system so I joined an online group of expats who had moved across the big pond to be with their respective mates as well. It was helpful and I did develop friendships that I carry on to this day, however for the most part, the only thing I had in common with them was our situation. I wouldn't have become friends with them otherwise as there was nothing to base one on.

One thing I vowed to do when I moved there was to try to integrate as much as I could. Most everyone there speaks English to one degree or another, however once you move there, they give you about 3 months to at least begin to try out your Dutch language sea legs. The first phrase I learned (which bought me an additional 3 months) was, "I'm sorry, but my Dutch isn't very good. Can we continue in English?".

One of the main reasons I knew I had to try my best to integrate was to try to fit in with my husband's friends and family. They were always very gracious and they enjoyed trying out their English with me, however at any social gathering, English lasted about 5 minutes, before they would switch back to Dutch. This made parties quite boring and frustrating. I was bound and determined to learn the language, as well as the customs. I never drank coffee after dinner before, but I did when I moved there. I wanted so badly to fit in. I watch American television and studied the subtitles.

That Summer, he proposed to me. October of 1999, we flew back to the States where my father officiated, where his parents, aunt, sister, and two couples who where very close friends from collage all came out to New Mexico to celebrate our wedding.

More to come. Thanks again for everything, all of you!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Feeling pretty petty.

I watched (again) "Schindler's List" with my son. I wanted him to have a real grasp as to what happened. Boy, did I ball my eyes out. Damn, I can't believe I complained about my weight.

Thanks for all of your support. Fact is, I have no control here. It is what it is and will be what it will be. I've stuck to the protocol and haven't cheated, so there isn't anything I can pin this on.

I've still yet to go buy a new scale. I'm just so tired right now. Maybe this evening when my husband is home. I'll leave him with the kids and I'll slip away. Lord knows I could use a break from them.

Extraordinarily depressed.

My scale won't give me a steady reading. I'd not be concerned if it weren't for the fact that my jeans are tight as well. VLCD day 11 and I may actually be more than my pre-load weight. I feel fat, out of control, angry, helpless and hopeless. I feel like I should never have done this round.

I'm going to buy a new scale. What else can I do? It's not the batteries. I changed them last week (also because of the bizarre all over the map readings). My basement scale (which I replaced with the one I have now because it also lost it's mind over the years) had me at 128 this morning. Officially fat again.

I wish I had something inspirational to say. I have nothing. I'm empty. My breasts are KILLING me. At least I know something hormonal is playing into this as well. I just keep crying. I can't stop crying.

I know there is a body/mind connection and I wondered yesterday if perhaps because I know I have things I need to say and I've yet to say it if that's why my body is holding on. I was fully prepared to write it out today, at least start again, but I'm too depressed to do anything right now.

124.4? 123.8? 128? 122.4? 126.7? 124.6?

I don't know how to weigh in today.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

A gain 2 days in a row? Are you freakin' kidding me? Tetering UP

I've not had my coffee, so this will be uber short.

I weighed in at 122. That's up .2 from yesterday. That's up .6 from the day before. I am exactly 10 pounds from 112 (ha - like I'll see that number... and I really don't care anymore. I think I'll quit referencing it altogether). I have 2.2 weeks to go.

Symptoms? I have a few.

2 huge "underground" zits on my chin that huuuuuuuuurt.
Sore breasts.
A temper you don't want to feel the wrath of.

What I don't have is a uterus so I can't say "Ah-HA! It's my cycle!" but I'm fairly certain I can say that sans uterus.

I've got my first cup coffee. I'm going to wake up, grumble a bit, and take the girl to school.

The FANTASTIC news is I heard from the doctor and my son doesn't have the dreaded H1N1 virus. He did have a nasty virus that mimicked it, but it seems it vacated his body yesterday. I'm keeping him home one more day to let his immune system recover, and then he's back in school tomorrow.

Thanks for the support, all of you.

VLCD #10 +.2, - 1.4 from pre-load weight (friggen a week and a half ago), - 4.7 from post load weight)

Monday, October 12, 2009

VLCD #9... #9.... #9...

UP .4 pounds at 121.8. Not panicked. If I keep this up (gain a little, lose a lot) I'll STILL get close to my "goal".

I fell into the salt yesterday which could have a lot to do with this. I also drank a lot of water, so who knows. Who CARES! It will be what it will be. 2.5 weeks to go. Surely, I'll hit the 100 teens and that would THRILL me.

Last round was my roller coaster round. This one I've decided to call my teeter totter round.

I need a lot more coffee to write anything more of any interest. I'll check in later.

VLCD #9 - 121.8 (+.4 from yesterday, - 1.6 from pre-load weight, -4.9 post load weight, +9.8 from "goal")

Sunday, October 11, 2009

VLCD #8 - Hooray!

121.4 this morning for an overnight drop of 1.5 pounds. YES. I needed that.

Thank you all for the kind words about yesterday. I needed that, as well.

I am up way too early but I just couldn't sleep. Everyone is still in bed but me. The sun is still snoozing away as well.

I have a slight sore throat and my sinuses are a bit congested. I hope it's just a cold. I really cannot afford to get the flu, in so many ways. I would think if it were the flu, I'd feel like a truck hit me the same way my son felt so I have hope this isn't that.

I probably won't get to the rest of my story until my husband is back at work and my daughter is in school. It's so hard to feel comfortable writing it all out when every 5 minutes I'm interrupted with a "mom, mom, mom". I'm bursting to get it out, though. I need to get it out of my heart and into the universe.

Thanks again for everything!

VLCD #8 121.4 (- 2 from pre-load weight, - 5.3 from load weight + 9.4 from "goal")

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Long day

I spent the afternoon running around getting supplies for my boy, taking care of him, cleaning up massive amounts of vomit, disinfecting everything, cooking dinner for my family, cooking dinner for me, and generally resenting everyone. Not one offer of help.

I truly hope I don't get this thing. If I do, I'll start the 72 hour VLCD and take care of myself as much as P3 allows. Get back on the wagon when I'm well to get the minimum days in. Hopefully it won't come to that. I fear this flu given my compromised liver.

I am, however, thinking about doing a planned interruption so I could have steak for dinner with my husband on our 10 year anniversary on the 17. I don't know though. It would delay everything by 3 days and given my lack of progress as is, I'd just assume this whole damned thing was over.

I'm in a mood, can you tell?

I gave my son organic coconut oil to help combat the flu

Health Benefits of Coconut Oil

The health benefits of coconut oil include hair care, skin care, stress relief, maintaining cholesterol levels, weight loss, increased immunity, proper digestion and metabolism, relief from kidney problems, heart diseases, high blood pressure, diabetes, HIV and cancer, dental care, and bone strength. These benefits of coconut oil can be attributed to the presence of lauric acid, capric acid and caprylic acid, and its properties such as antimicrobial, antioxidant, antifungal, antibacterial, soothing, etc.

The human body converts lauric acid into monolaurin which is claimed to help in dealing with viruses and bacteria causing diseases such as herpes, influenza, cytomegalovirus, and even HIV. It helps in fighting harmful bacteria such as listeria monocytogenes and heliobacter pylori, and harmful protozoa such as giardia lamblia. As a result of these various health benefits of coconut oil, though its exact mechanism of action was unknown, it has been extensively used in Ayurveda, the traditional Indian medicinal system.

Suspected swine flu.

We'll know for certain tomorrow. *sob*

VLCD day 7 - GAIN of .3 pounds. Brief update

I can't imagine what's happening other than I am so close to my goal. I'd say the HCG is potent otherwise I'd be starving and losing abnormal fat. I'm noshy, not starving.

The only other thing it may be are my supplements. I have to take them, though. I have slightly elevated AST and ALT enzynes, so I'm taking TMG and milk thistle to help support my liver. I'm making an appointment at the end of the month to talk to my doctor about it.

My son has a fever of almost 102 so I'll take off in an hour to the doctor and make sure it's nothing to worry about. That said, I'll keep this brief and will check in later with more of the story.


VLCD #7 - 122.9 (+.3 from yesterday, - .5 from pre-load weight, - 3.8 from post load weight)

Friday, October 9, 2009

Born Under a Wanderin' Star Part Deux

Ok, so as I said, my childhood was not a typical one. People asked me all the time if I was in the military. My response was, "No, the circus.". I loved our circus. I love my family, and even with all the moving and adventures, they were my one constant. That was my rock. We had each other, and we had a blast.

I'd never known anything other than this. Even when I married for the first time, we were still part of that circus, all working and moving together. My first marriage didn't last long (2 years, half the time separated - I married way too young), and the company dissolved, but my family and I threw in together and we went on.

I met my husband 11.5 years ago in a video chat room. As I mentioned, he was in Holland, where he is from, and I was living in a small town in Utah. We weren't looking for one another. I happened to spend time in Europe, Holland for a week among other countries, when I was 16. We just ended up chatting. He was in a long term committed relationship and I was just beginning to date a guy I briefly went to school with in California in the 5th grade, and again in the 7th in Washington (he had a similar upbringing, and it was a total coincidence we ended up in the same 2 states, cities, and schools at the same time). Nothing serious, but again, I wasn't looking. That relationship never really took off, and around the same time, my husband's relationship ended suddenly. We spent time chatting and consoling one another. It was just a few months later I realized I was falling and falling hard for this guy. We arranged to meet. I flew to Holland and the moment I set eyes on him, realized this man would be my husband, we'd have 2 children, a boy and a girl in that order, and I knew their names.

We dated 9 months long distantly and then he came to meet me in the States. I'd since moved form Utah (of course) to New Mexico. We took a couple weeks to do a road trip across the Southwest. He met my parents. We made plans to commit.

Since I was pretty loose as far as work went and he had a good job in Holland, I moved out there. He got us a corner apartment with huge windows and made sure it had a tub for me. He knew how much I loved my baths and they are rare out there. He did absolutely everything he could to make sure I was comfortable, right down to making sure I did the decorating. It was one of the most exciting things I'd ever done. We played a lot. Spent weekends walking through the various villages, getting coffee at little cafes sitting on the terraces, and spending weekend nights at Het Oude Pothuys listening to live music, him with a beer and me with my wine. We had a lot of fun, spending time with his family, and his friends, whom I adored. I did experience a lot of home sickness, but not for the U.S. per say, but for my family. I missed my parents terribly. Still, I was enjoying my Dutch classes, my time with him, and our life.

More to come...thanks again...

VLCD Day 6 -.8 - and the beginning of the story (A.K.A. I was Born Under a Wanderin' Star).

I'm not terribly concerned about my weight right now, so long as it doesn't go up. :) I've had a loss of .8 pounds which has me at 122.6 today, and 3 more weeks of VLCD to go.

I've been meaning to bring up the emotional stuff that's been happening but it's always hard to know where to start. I wish I'd had the mind set to have simply blogged it as it came up, but I didn't. I probably would have been a lot better off.

Part of the reason I've had a hard time about what I've been feeling is that I've felt guilty for even having those feelings in the first place.

I'm 34 with 2 healthy, smart, funny, creative, loving children whom I adore. I am married to a man who still gives me butterflies. We own a home in the suburbs and have for 7 years. My husband has a wonderful career here. We have a dog and 2 cats. American dream. Can you see why I'm feeling guilty about not being satisfied?

My parents divorced when I was 5, one of the most liberating days of my life. I couldn't wait to live with my mom. When I was 8, my mom remarried a man that I had an instant connection to. I knew before they did they'd marry (and they'd only known each other a couple weeks before they tied the knot. They are still married). He was a programmer, and my mom a very successful real estate agent. They put their heads together and created software for agents, the first of its kind.

From the age of 9, we moved all over the country about every 6 months or so. It averaged that. There were some years I changed schools 3 times. I have lived in 10 states (some multiple times and cities) and have attended 20 schools. Because my parents owned their own company, we could do this. My mother grew up an only child with her mom, and they too moved quite a bit, though just in California. My father craved change. They traveled all over the country training people on the software and inevitably, they would fall in love with the town they were in and a few weeks later, there we were.

I loved it. I was raised on adventure, and a U-Haul was my 2nd home. I was someone new wherever I went. I experienced such different cultures all over the country. I made friends easily, knowing I would likely not have long to know them. I grew up in the family business, in love with computers and communication, and began meeting people online via local BBSs when I was just 10. I eventually met my husband on the internet in 1998. He was in Holland (where he's from) and I was in a little tiny town in Utah at the time.

I'll expand more later. I just wanted to begin somewhere so I think this is a good start. There is a lot more to come.

Thanks if you made it this far!

VLCD #6 122.6 (-.8 form pre-load weight, - 4.1 from post load weight, kinda 10.6 from "goal")

Thursday, October 8, 2009


To get an idea of where I came from and where I'm going to (which is actually full circle as where I'm going to was where I came from before my hormones decided to lose their collective minds), here are some pictures.

First, me at my heaviest - 169ish:

Here I am now:

Here I am at 111 pounds - this was 3 months after I had my son and right before the pounds came on when my menstrual cycle returned:

Me on my wedding day 114 pounds (10 years ago as of the 17th!)

I forgot my dose until noon. Gah!

I feel so silly. I went ahead and dosed at 12 and will dose again probably around 10 tonight. Oh well.

I also took a Lifecap as suggested by Lavernderdiva which has helped with the hunger, though I have to say, it made me feel a little "buzzy". Not sure how else to describe it. Hope it helps.

So, I may not be able to lose anymore, though I suspect I will a bit more as I am not "ravenously" hungry. I am technically at a normal body weight, and this is what P&I says about that on pages 51-52 of "Pounds and Inches":

"We never give a treatment lasting less than 26 days, even in patients needing to lose only 5 pounds. It seems that even in the mildest cases of obesity the diencephalon requires about three weeks rest from the maximal exertion to which it has been previously subjected in order to regain fully its normal fat-banking capacity. Clinically this expresses itself, in the fact that, when in these mild cases, treatment is stopped as soon as the weight is normal, which may be achieved in a week, it is much more easily regained than after a full course of 23 injections.

As soon as such patients have lost all their abnormal superfluous fat, they at once begin to feel ravenously hungry in spite of continued injections. This is because HCG only puts abnormal fat into circulation and cannot, in the doses used, liberate normal fat deposits; indeed, it seems to prevent their consumption. As soon as their statistically normal weight is reached, these patients are put on 800-1000 Calories for the rest of the treatment. The diet is arranged in such a way that the weight remains perfectly stationary and is thus continued for three days after the 23rd injection. Only then are the patients free to eat anything they please except sugar and starches for the next three weeks."

Now just because I am technically at a "normal" weight, that doesn't mean I've lost all my abnormal fat. Still, I am now very aware of what I need to look out for. I will also completely go with the flow and not be concerned about if I lose or not. I will lose the last of the abnormal fat, wherever that takes me weight wise. If that happens before 112 and I have the aforementioned symptoms, I will increase to 800-1000 calories until the end of the round and then move into P3. As I said before, this is more about healing than losing for me now.

Thanks for listening. :) Your support means the world to me.

VLCD #5 - 123.4 - exactly at pre-load weight

Either I was closer to 124 yesterday or I gained .6 pounds. This was pre-BM, but my BMs are another story. I have them all the time... but only a very little at a time. I'd love to have one decent one a day instead of this weirdness. I hate to give you too much information. I am thinking of taking some smooth move tea tonight before bed to see if I can't "consolidate" :).

I knew this round would be drastically different from my last given how close I am to my goal. I've got 22 more VLCDs ahead of me (I mixed enough for 28 days and had 2 loading days). I'm at 123.4 today. Certainly I'll at the very least reach the hundred teens. I won't do another round, that I can tell you.

If I manage to lose half a pound a day, which I'm most certainly not counting on, I would get to 112.4. I'd love that, but then again, I'm not counting on it.

Lavenderdiva suggested lifecaps. I bought a bottle last year but didn't dare try them as they were so new to being experimented with. People reported great losses but no one had yet tried stabilizing afterwards. I've since heard nothing but good reports from those who have had successful P3s and P4s since. Some said they didn't work at all but no one has complained of stabilization issues. Since I've already bought them, I think I'll break them out since I am beginning to experience a bit more hunger. At this point I don't think it could hurt.

This round was intended for me to get as close to a healthy BMI as I could. It's turned into something more though. It may be my most important round yet. This has become a pattern interrupt for me. This last year, layers of the onion have been peeled away not only physically, but emotionally as well. I was left raw, with a lot of feelings and opinions I didn't know I was allowed to have. Couple that with the economy and what it did to my business, my finances, my parents and their finances, I didn't cope very well. This took a toll on me physically which has turned this round into a healing round and a chance for me to handle things differently.

My kids are dancing around the kitchen getting ready for school, so rather than try to explain further, I better go. It will be easier when they're not here to go into any more depth.

VLCD Day 5, 123.4 (+.6 from yesterday, 0 from pre-load weight, 11.4 from goal)

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

I'm hungrier than last round but not as bad as my first.

I can stand it but I'm not liking how quickly after eating today I found myself thinking of what I could eat next. It will get better, I'm sure.

I'm awfully curious as to what tomorrow may bring.

And now for a little Garfield minus Garfield...

Wackadoo, wackadoo, wackadoo, wackadooooo

OK, this morning was just nuts.

I weighed in yesterday after 2 VLCDs at 124.6, -2.1 since loading, but still 1.1 over my pre-load weight.

I know I'm close to my goal weight, but when I weighed in this morning at 125.8, I simply COULD NOT believe it. I scoured the house for new batteries, and promptly replaced them. I went one more go. 124. Better. Still super slow. Still above my pre-load weight, but not heart attack inducing. I then made absolutely sure I had my scale in place where I'd had it before (my floor is not completely level so I have to set 122.8. Hmmm. Okay. Walked away. Walked back and tried again. 122.8. Okay, let's try one more time and THIS time, whatever it is, I will take the number most consistent. 122.7.

I don't know, kids! Given the protocol I'm on, 125.8 is simply unbelievable, especially at this stage of the game. 124 could be believable. 122.8 seems far more likely.

I'm taking it. I'll be especially curious about tomorrow's weigh in. Think releasing thoughts.

Release, release, release...

VLCD day 4 122.8 (-1.8 overnight (YEA!!) -.6 from pre-load weight)

Tuesday, October 6, 2009


Can someone tell me how it's possible to be stuffed and to have only eaten 184 calories so far today?

VLCD day 3

I'm dosing as I type.

I will no longer weigh myself in the night (I tend to wake up at 4 no matter what and then go back to sleep). I weighed in at 126.5 at 4 in the morning. A GAIN?? I told myself not to panic and to weigh in when I woke up to truly compare to yesterday. 124.6. PHEW. Down a pound. I am now 1.2 over my pre-load weight, but down 2.1 from my post load weight.

I am experiencing slight hunger throughout the day that is non-existent as soon as I have a meal or a snack. Absolutely manageable. The vegetables really quash my appetite. I eat a LOT of veggies. I found in the first round that the grissini/melba toast made me crave so I eliminated it. I make up for those calories with my veggies. I also learned spinach made me unbelievably ill in the amounts I needed to eat to make up the calories. I lost BIG those days, but it wasn't worth being up all night with rolling cramps and in the bathroom (sorry if that was TMI). So, I stick to asparagus (grilled) and cucumbers in organic apple cider vinegar. I generally stick with chicken for my protein with the occasional white fish, and of course for my fruit, the sorbet never gets old!

VLCD day 3 - 124.6 (-2.1 from load weight, +1.2 pre-load weight)

Monday, October 5, 2009

Day 2 VLCD

I weighed in at 4 am with a .2 pound loss. I knew this was possible and was even prepared for it, but disappointed nonetheless. I told myself to wait until I woke up this morning to re-weigh. I was pleased to see the drop was now 1.1 pounds, exactly how much I had gained on the 2nd load day. So, 125.6 this morning. I hope things speed up this week as it will inevitably slow down again.

I have a lot on my plate today and the kids are on break until tomorrow. It will be easier to gather my thoughts when they're back in school.

OH, last night I had my sorbet. SO delicious. Here's the recipe:

150 grams of frozen strawberries
1/4 to 1/3 cup of water
1 dropper full sweet leaf brand liquid vanilla cream stevia
1/2 - 1 lemon juice

Blend with a hand mixer until smooth. You will think you're cheating, I swear. Approx 50 calories and totally P2 compliant!

OH, it occurs to me now that if you added ice and tequila, you'd have a Strawberry LowCarbirita! Only 13 carbs! Of course, that would have to wait until AFTER P2. :)

Have a great day!

Sunday, October 4, 2009

First VLCD day!

So far, so good. I'm a little hungry but it's tolerable. I've had 100 grams of chicken so far. I'm going to have some oolong tea with vanilla stevia and some cucumbers in apple cider vinegar as a snack a little later. Perhaps some strawberries as well.

I gained another 1.1 pounds over night for a total load gain of 3.3 pounds. I hope they're gone tomorrow or the day after, but I have to remind myself of my last round. My first VLCD day loss was I think just half a pound. I was sorely disappointed and frightened simultaneously. I ended up having a great week, but that first day wasn't good. I am prepared for anything other than a gain! :)

Day 3 - current weight after loading 126.7 (+1.1 from yesterday, +3.3 from pre-load weight)

Saturday, October 3, 2009

End of day 2 loading. Last glass of wine for a while.

I managed 2300 calories today. It doesn't sound like a lot, I know, but of that is 220 grams of fat and I heard 200+ was the goal. I stuck to heavy whipping cream, cheese off a slice of pizza and a cup of fondu cheese. Now, I'm enjoying my wine. I won't enjoy it again until November 1.

I feel disgusting, though not as disgusting as yesterday. I woke up feeling disgusting and I know it sounds odd, but I hope I wake up feeling disgusting too. Makes the first VLCD doable.

I went to Costco today and bought enough chicken and halibut to get me through to Oct 17. I weighed it all out and bagged each meal. Left enough in the fridge to get me through to the 7th, and the rest is in the freezer. I also bought my frozen strawberries and a bag of lemons for my sorbet (recipe to come), and asparagus and lots of cucumbers. I'm ready.

Goodbye 120s, hello 112!

Food hangover

I feel YUCKY. I loaded on pizza, cream puffs, cream, ice cream, milk shake, and chips. I'm miserable and I'm not doing that today! Today it's cheese, cream, avocados, cheese, cream, cheese and more cheese. I may throw a steak in there too. I am avoiding carbs today. Sugar doesn't agree with me. It makes me almost instantly ill and makes me panicky.

I need to go to Costco today and get my VLCD supplies. Cucumbers, asparagus, chicken breasts, frozen strawberries, lemons, and sparkly water.

Oct. 3 weight: 125.6 (+2.2)

Friday, October 2, 2009

I'm forgetful

So I'm posting this to remind me that I did do my evening dose! :P


I'd forgotten how much I hate load days. I have had 2700+ calories, and 194 grams of fat. I feel like a stuffed piñata. I dread the scale tomorrow, even though I know I have to do this. I'm so glad I chose to do 2 load days and not 3 this time.

Day 1! We're expecting!

I tested my hcg this morning with my pregnancy test. Most wait if and until they suspect it isn't working. I find if I do this ahead of time, I feel more confident.

Okay, I'd hoped to drop closer to 120 before the load days. I popped up to 124.7 yesterday and did a steak day yesterday to help drop and am as of this morning EXACTLY at my last dose weight of 123.4. Could have been better, could have been worse. I actually find it somewhat appropriate to be at this weight.

I originally started this blog to deal with the emotional side of releasing weight. I thought I'd dealt with just about everything but I've discovered there are some things that were buried under the emotions I released last time. I have rediscovered my voice, and apparently I have some things to say. I plan to do so here.

Drinking my second cup of coffee... with heavy cream! Then I take my first dose. Yippee!

Start: Oct 2. Pre-load weight 123.4