Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Conclusion (so far)...

I want to live close to family. I want to be surrounded my like minded people, where I feel my children have a real chance of meeting others like them as well. Where they don't send home waivers to opt out of seeing a speech by the President based on religious freedoms. Where I don't feel like such an alien. I finally realize that this isn't unreasonable.

Please don't get me wrong. I am so grateful for my family and everything we have. I am so grateful that I am still in love with my husband. He is the most brilliant man I've ever met. He still makes me laugh, and he is the most sensitive and incredible lover I've ever known. I am so grateful he's supported me in so many ways all these years. I'm grateful for our children, and for our beautiful home. I know he's tried. He's an incredible provider. That's not the problem.

I don't want to move every six months anymore, either. I do, however, think it's unhealthy to stay here. We're stuck in a rut. There's no reason to stay, other than moving is a pain in the ass. Still, I crave that new adventure. A new city to get to know surrounded by like minded people, including my family. I'd love for my kids to grow up around their cousins. I'd love for my husband to go sailing with my brother. He used to love to sail. I'd love to explore the vineyards, camp on the beach, and have a new perspective. "Change is as good as a rest", Thomas the Tank Engine says. And perhaps after 7 years my feet may get itchy again, but every 7 years I think is a great compromise.

I love him with all my heart. I've learned over the years that as long as we're on the same page, which we are about most everything, we get along like 2 peas in a pod. It's when we differ on opinion that it's horrible. He and I have very strong opinions. I believe that's one of the things that drew each other to one another.

When I originally wrote all of this out, I realized some of my angst with my relationship was being muddled with the angst I feel about my situation. I will try my best to separate them out for clarity. He and I have one of the strongest marriages I've ever seen, but with all relationships comes their own special set of challenges. So the next bit is about that.

We're both stubborn. Sometimes I feel he puts his foot down simply for the sake of putting his foot down.To be right for the sake of being right. It's how I feel about his smoking, too. That it's passive aggressive. That he's punishing me for not quitting when we had both tried together.

Before I became pregnant, we both decided it was too expensive to smoke. After a few days of stopping, I failed. He came home from work to see me smoking. He declared that if I was going to fail, there was no point in his quitting. Not long after that I did become pregnant and stopped. He continued. In fact, he continued in our apartment. I had to plead with him to smoke outside, much to his dismay. He was not happy at all about it, but did reluctantly comply.

My experience has been that his first inclination is to say no to change of any kind. I've become terrified to speak frankly about my thoughts, wants and needs for this very reason. I need hope and I fear having them dashed. It's unfair of me to keep these feelings away from him though, and my opinion is just as valuable as his. It's just taken a long time to even be able to own what those opinions were. He is no mind reader, and he wants to please me. Any request for change from him I believe translates to him that he hasn't succeeded with me, which is absolutely not the case. I want so much for us to come together defenselessly and speak our truth. We both deserve that.


Anonymous said...

Have your tried compromising with your husband about the move? You won't upgrade to a bigger house if finances are the worry. How about finding a house that will some how benefit him (game room or work room in the basement.

Finally, have you considered that it might not be the right time for you to move? This is why your husband's reasoning seems to make little sense. There might bigger plans for you. This is the way of making sure the plans come to a successful conclusion.

The last paragraph I just typed has a lot of meaning for me. I could write an entire blog post about perfect timing, what you want and what God wants for you can be the samething but the timing is different. You need to wait, get your ducks in order and then things will happen for you.

helderheid said...

That's a lot to think about. The fact is, we've not seriously sat down and discussed it at all, partly because I was very muddled in what I was feeling. It's taken me years to figure out that it was okay for me to want to move. I'd not brought it up because I was feeling guilty about it. The times any mention of moving came up in past were very light, and sometimes it wasn't even me bringing it up, but the kids. My daughter had mentioned wanting a bigger bedroom when he'd said we'd never move.

I've mentioned only light heartedly in past that if an opportunity presented itself where we could transfer that I was all for it. Before that when my parents were here and my mom and I were working together, it came up once that we couldn't move because my business was here. Last month I told him I was done with real estate so we have no ties here any longer. Again, it's always been mentioned only in passing and very lightly.

We've never actually sat down and discussed it and as I said, I'm afraid to do so because as long as we don't talk about it, it's still a possibility - there's still hope. If we talk about it and he flat out rejects it, I'm just not sure I could take that. I hope that makes sense. I know it sounds silly.

As far as what the Universe has planned for me, I'm a firm believer it cannot give you what you want unless and until you know what that is. As I said, I didn't even know if I had permission to feel what I was feeling and it's only recently as the layers have been peeled away that I could honor what I was feeling and own it. To not feel guilty about it. To give myself permission to be who I am. Now I know.

I need to follow the four fold way:

1) Show Up 2) Pay Attention to What has Heart and Meaning 3) Tell the Truth without Blame or Judgement 4) Be Open yet Unattached to Outcome.

Easier said than done, but it's necessary.

Christy in Seattle said...

You obviously love your husband very much but feel frustrated at not being heard.

Intimacy is so damn difficult sometimes! The rewards are amazing, but ... it's such a delicate balancing act between getting one's own needs met and meeting those of the spouse ... add kids into the mix and wow! I hate to generalize about men, but I have to a little - I do think you've hit the nail on the head regarding your husband's fear of failure. I think men tend to get defensive when they have no idea how to respond to emotional demands. That is certainly the case with my husband, the engineer. He just finished a period of counseling with a cognitive behavioral therapist, which scared the crap out of him to do. It's made him a more complete person and strengthened our relationship at a very stressful time.

Getting men into therapy, of course, can be extremely difficult. I researched the matter some, though, and Transactional Analysis/ CBT counselors help communication quickly by examining the words that come out of someone's mouth rather than the meaning behind dreams or one's early childhood. Tod was helped dramatically within a very short time. I learned a few ways in which I could improve my communication, too!

Whatever happens, we're pulling for you to find a way to communicate with him!

helderheid said...

Christy, thank you so much. I wish he was willing to see a counselor but he told me flat out he'd never go to a counselor (this was years ago and I cannot recall how the subject even came up but it was in regards to marriage counseling). He said he'd sooner divorce than go to counseling. I never could figure out that reasoning. Fact is, he thinks he's damn near perfect, and he is great, but he doesn't see how very difficult he is too. I know I'm not an easy person either, but I don't think smart people generally are! :P

Thanks again for pulling for me, Christy. It means a lot. Being able to discuss this has been really a gift.

lavenderdiva said...

May I ask if your husband is much older than you are? The reason I ask, is that by reading your posts over the last few days, it seems to me that a part of you is somewhat intimidated by what he may think or how he may react to your thoughts or feelings. I know you love one another deeply, yet it appears that you may be reluctant to share your deepest feelings with him, and let him know the real you. You give him a lot of your power.

I would agree that he looks as if he may be depressed. Perhaps he doesn't have the confidence to try to apply for a position on another location? Perhaps his not getting the position in Portland was a huge disappointment for him too? And his confidence was shaken. It seems he wants to prove himself to you too. To show you that he is a good provider and a good partner. I find that guys are so afraid of falling short of our expectations, that sometimes if they try and fail, they just don't try again. They need a lot of 'ego massaging' and encouraging to get them to try again.

I have no doubt you mean as much to him as he does to you. Were he to know how trapped you feel there in Utah, and how concerned you are about some of the influences on your children, wouldn't he conceivably be receptive? I know you said he would never move. Maybe he feels just as trapped as you do. Maybe his job there is a secure one, and he's afraid of the unknown by trying to relocate elsewhere?

You two seem to be so sympatico in so many ways, I can't imagine his not wanting to understand where you are coming from, and see your point. Marriage is LOTS of compromise on both sides, and maybe its his turn. I know, that's very easy for me to say. I'm not suggesting that I have any answers for you. But I do think that asking questions helps you to think about different things, and come up with answers for yourself.

I'm very proud of you for mixing your HCG yourself last night! You knew you could do it, and I'm glad you're no longer afraid of it!

It doesn't mean much, but that's my 2 cents..... sending you hugs.