Thursday, October 22, 2009

VLCD #19 - 124.3 - up 1.2 pounds, .9 over pre-load weight

I have a lot to think about right now. Since getting what I needed to get out, it feels like energy that lay stagnant for so long is suddenly swirling all around me. It's a good thing and is freeing me to ask more questions about myself. One in particular which is so crucial to putting the pieces of this puzzle together is why do I hide?

I've hidden my feelings for so long out of fear. I've hidden under layers of fat and behind false smiles. I've hidden my own feelings from myself. Now, why is it I don't feel safe? I am finally acknowledging these feelings with myself. Why am I afraid of the man I am in love with? I know I fear being rejected. I fear having to make hard decisions about my life based on that if it were to come to that. I know that. But the lack of feeling safe sharing my feelings go beyond that.

It wasn't always the case, but the longer I've been in this relationship, the further I've withdrawn within myself, and even from myself.

Lavenderdiva asked if he was much older than I am. 6 years, not much, but the question triggered the thought about my natural father.

I've been dealing with demons from that relationship for years and years. Just when I think I've cleared out all the cobwebs and shown light in the dark corners, I discover another closet I've neglected to see before.

My father, my natural father, was a terrifying man. He abused his children in many ways. I've dealt with and forgiven him for some of the most heinous abuse, but I've never quite dealt with my need to hide.

When I was 5, after dinner we were allowed one oreo cookie. I took 2. I didn't know he'd count them. But he did. He then lined us up and asked who took the extra cookie. I was so frightened of him and didn't dare tell him it was me.

He proceeded to hit both my sister and my brother, but he left me alone. He knew it was me. This was his way of truly punishing me and this memory haunts me to this day.

Since living with him, I've hidden anything I thought might be disapproved of be it food, drink, spending, feelings, you name it.

Somehow I need to come to terms with this. My husband isn't my father and I am safe. Safe with my feelings, safe with my choices.

Thank you Lavenderdiva for pressing the "Ah-HA!" button. I know I'm on the right track as I'm crying; a sure sign indeed.

As far as my plans for this round, again thank you Lavenderdiva - I will stay on the minimum days and make a decision after that, though I am fairly certain given the total lack of loss I will end it after that. I may even go ahead and increase to 800-1000 calories and incorporate exercise in. This has still been an invaluable round for me emotionally and a much needed detox.


Christy in Seattle said...

I know all about that instinct to hide. I've been there so many times! Even though I achieved forgiveness and closure with my own father, the legacy of growing up with an addict will always be with me. We do the best we can with the cards we are dealt.

If you haven't been able to forgive him, then I hope you will work on it. Not for him, but for you. It feels so amazing to release the old traumas, to lift your head and say, "I survived it!"

helderheid said...

Thanks Christy. I have forgiven him. I just didn't realize I was still dealing with the fallout.

I'm amazed at how much we have in common!

Thanks so much for being here!

lavenderdiva said...

I find it interesting the parallel between your wanting to sort through certain rooms in your home, and clear out clutter, and what you are doing emotionally-- you are doing the same thing!

Like you, I grew up with an alcoholic parent (my mother) who took out her frustrations with her own life, on my sister and me. So I completely understand your deference to your father, and now your husband. There are so many pesky issues that keep rearing their heads! Just when you think you've got a handle on things, and think you've worked through it, something else comes up!

It totally makes sense that you are doing the same thing with your husband that you did with your father. You tried to please him and you deferred to him, and now you are doing that with your husband. Only you have gotten stronger emotionally, and need to find your voice. Share with your husband what you are feeling without the fear of what he will do. That fear is left over from your father. Share with him how you are feeling, and your concerns for your family. Share it with him in such a way that you two are on the same page, not adversaries. Your husband loves you and cares about you; you are his partner in life. I get the sense that he loves to please you, and while he may not agree with you on every little thing, make him a part of this journey.

Losing your extra weight is symbolic of your other struggles. You've shed a lot of your past, and are working through to your future.

Lots of hugs to you.... OOOOO

helderheid said...

Thank you both so much. It's so funny, Lavenderdiva, you've actually articulated what I've been processing all day. I plan on sitting down and writing out a letter to my husband explaining all of this - where I'm coming from and why I've been afraid and acknowledge that this is me reacting to old tapes and I know he's nothing like my natural father, etc., etc. - I think understanding why I've not felt safe and understanding it isn't him will be a huge breakthrough for us. I want so much to be able to tell him whatever is on my mind and in my heart, and I finally feel like I can. I'll write it first. That seems to help me. :)

Thanks again you guys!