Monday, February 15, 2010

Out of control

Ugh. My eating/drinking has just gotten out of control! I suspect it's a combination of stress and candida. I have 1 more day of antibiotics. I am now taking pro-biotics and a supplement that is supposed to help combat yeast overgrowth. I hope that I can kill those little buggers off.

125 this morning. Yes, some of that is implant weight but even so, that would still have me right around LDW for round 2. Round 3 LDW is a good 5.5 pounds away.

Sorry to bitch about this but it just bugs me.

I realized this morning that the surgery center will be taking "after" pictures on the 17th of next month. 30 days from now. Perhaps if I could really do what I said I was going to do (eat clean and start yoga tomorrow), maaaaybe I can get close to within 2 pounds of my LDW of round 3. It will mean me getting a grip.

Our night away was not stress free. My husband bitched the entire time about how miserable he was. How he hated hotels. How it was a stupid idea. I made it really clear to him he could leave anytime and that I didn't appreciate him calling my idea stupid. It was awful. The kids had a great time, but I drowned my sorrows in nachos and wine. I didn't even bother weighing in the next 2 days.

The good news is the next day he took the kids aside and apologized to them, and then did the same to me. Totally sincere. He really got that his behavior was childish and hideous. I thanked him for saying so. I'm really not sure what inspired his behavior that night. Regardless, it upset me deeply. I need adventure - even if that means driving 20 minutes to stay at a hotel and watch my kids swim. I need spontaneity. We used to have that. I'm confident we can have that again, but it will take both of us to make that happen.

 "For a relationship to stay alive, love alone is not enough. Without imagination, love stales into sentiment, duty, boredom. Relationships fail not because we have stopped loving but because we first stopped imagining. - James Hillman

I've mentioned before that for the longest time it's felt like I've been sleepwalking through my life. I've come out of a coma. Awake, I see that my husband has fallen into that same deep sleep. I see him stirring, but I don't think he's fully aware of how stagnant his life has become as well. I so want to shake him awake and start a wonderful new adventure with him.

I've never experienced another relationship with the depth of love that I have for him.  It is immeasurable. Our connection is so solid. That is a wonderful comfort.

In other news, my parents turned down the position that was 3 hours from here, and quite frankly, part of me is very relieved. It would have them living in a 600 square foot fully furnished home. No room for their offices, their bird, or the cat box, and totally remote. The same day, they were contacted by another person about a position in Seaside, OR - about an hour out of Portland. The position they described sounds absolutely IDEAL. I am so hoping they get it. Either way, I'll be throwing the kids in the car soon and going out to visit, stopping in Portland to help my sister learn how to mix and dose with HCG. I am so excited for her!

Okay, well this has just gone on long enough, eh? I'll close it for now. Virtual hugs and smiles your way!


lavenderdiva said...

I think you hit the nail on the head, about your eating being stress-related, and perhaps candida-related. I don't blame you for feeling stressed a little recently. There's been a lot going on-

Maybe (for the time being) you could sort of lead in the spontaneity department with Mr. helderheid? I had this idea (you may think its silly, but here goes): could you make several 'tickets' for things to do, that are different for the 2 of you, and maybe other things that would include your children, that aren't on your usual list to do. Things that you would think are fun. Give him the tickets, and tell him that when he is ready to do one of them, to turn the ticket in to you, and you'll do it together. That way, he'd know what you are looking forward to, but he would sort of be in control to set the pace of the activity? It would also serve as a nice surprise to you, when he was ready to do it.

When does your sister begin her first round?

Hugs to you, my friend....

Holistic Health Coach-Tri Mom said...

Maybe too you could do something that he loves (or did love) spontaneously, as that would show that you understand where he is at. I have to do this with my husband every once in a while to keep the peace. Especially since I have a lot of outlandish ideas.

One thing I really had fun with was asking my husband to name his top 5 favorite moments in our relationship that had nothing to do with our wedding, our kids, or work. We both relived some great memories, and he even mentioned that we should take a trip alone soon...and that is so not my husband.

And re the candida, Im right there with you. Cant wait to get to P3 to actually do something about sucks! My thoughts are with you!

Beaker said...

Out of control eating? Emotional eating? You've lost me. I can't identify with that at all. Nope. Not at all.

It's great that you can see signs of your husband stirring out of his coma. I can understand you wanting to shake him fully awake. Have patience. With you all awake and energetic, I don't think he can help but follow eventually.