Sunday, February 21, 2010

very quick update and a funny

Today was my brother's memorial. It really was more of a wake than a memorial.

It's late and I hesitate writing tonight except that I need to.

I didn't know him. I felt weird when I cried when hearing the news that the plane he was in had crashed and he died. I last saw him when I was 11. He was 14 years older than me. My last memory of him was him putting a lampshade on his head when he came to visit in an attempt to trick my father when he came home from work. It was a funny moment and I will never forget it, but for that to be my last memory of a man who apparently was an amazing man is an absolute shame.

I was fine all evening.

I was fine until a stranger - much like my brother was - the mother of the woman who was engaged to him and had been with him the last 3 years - hugged me. She hugged me and said, "Sorry".

I lost it.

I feel so stupid for crying. This woman consoling ME had more experience, love, and history with him than I ever did, and I was crying.

I mourn I didn't know him. I vow I will not only make sure to tell my family I love them, I vow to know them. I vow to know my other 2 brothers, Paul and Joe. 2 people I don't know enough. Torn apart by age and divorce. I don't want to regret not knowing them fully. Not loving them fully.

I need to move here.

Streaming Qwest French Class At Videos


Lis said...

Isnt it amazing that even in tragedy, one can find a sense of purpose and resolution? Even though you did not know your brother very well, to have an opportunity to know the other two is a wonderful gift. I wish you peace as you move toward building those relationships.

nikkispower said...

Beautiful lesson and resolve. Thanks for sharing

Anonymous said...


lavenderdiva said...

I think your brother knows how you feel in your heart towards him, even from the other side. You have the opportunity to make a fresh start with your other brothers.

I think your reaction to a 'stranger's' hug was entirely normal, given the circumstances. You shouldn't feel stupid at all. Your heart was broken for all sorts of things, and those emotions needed to be released. Her touch sparked that release.

Virtual hugs to you.

nixieritter said...

Very sad and touching. Thanks for sharing. I can imagine how difficult that was for you. Children often are the real victim's in divorce. Families split and are separated from each other....My husband and I split up when my son was only 6 months old. From the time we split and he moved to another part of the country (married a woman from work that he was having an affair with)--- he had not visited my son for several years. When my son was almost 3 years old I was reading an article by Goldie Hawn's daughter and she talked about how much she had missed by not having her biological father in her life when she was young. She loved Kurt Russell, but when she was older and saw her biological father she said she could never make up the time they lost, as a child growing up and not having him be part of her life. It pained me so much to read her article and see how hard that was on her as a child. The next day I called my ex husband and asked him to come visit his son and make an effort to be part of his life and at least give him a chance to know him. Shortly after he did visit....and they have a good relationship. He is now 13 years old and sees his dad at least 3 or four times a year.
Death is so final, and closes the door of opportunity. I hope you do have a chance to at least get to know your other two brothers. My thoughts and prayers are with you