Friday, February 5, 2010


Hi sweets,

120.9 today. I expect more tomorrow as I had spaghetti for dinner.

Well, today wasn't easy. It actually started last night when my daughter couldn't stop throwing up. This continued into today. Fortunately, we seem to have hit a pause as of 2 this afternoon.

Emotionally it's been hard as well. My parents' old home, which I can see from my living room windows and back yard, went on the market 11 days ago. Today, the power was turned on. Right now as I type this, I can see their lights on and a couple have been there, I'm assuming the agent and her husband, cleaning up the yard, etc., etc.

It wasn't so bad until the back porch lights went on. I remember my mom putting them up; a string of lights all around the overhang. Seeing them on tonight flicked a switch on in me that opened up a flood of sorrow. It pains me to see their home no longer their home.

I know I should feel relief that the home will finally have a chance to be loved again. Letting go of memories of Easter, Thanksgiving, Sundays with champagne and tarot readings, my kids in their backyard playing, watching the inauguration and us all crying tears of joy, sleepovers for the kids, etc., etc is hard. It's really hard. I'd finally sort of gotten used to seeing it cold, empty, and dark. Now to see the lights on again and knowing nothing about those who turned them on is really painful. I know it sounds ridiculous. It is. When you think of the horrors others are experiencing right now... but it still hurts. I miss my mommy.


lavenderdiva said...

oh, sweetie- I know how difficult it is to see someone else going to live in the house your parents lived in, and in which you have so many memories. But a house is not a home. Your parents have a new home, filled with other memories, and new memories yet-to-be-made. Someone else is going to have so many wonderful experiences in a home that was filled with so much love. It has a history of love! Maybe a new family will move in, with a couple your & dh's ages, and with children near the same age as yours! Perhaps you all could be friends, and your children would have new playmates, and new memories will fill that house. You could share your lovely memories with them! I know children especially love stories about sweet things that happened in certain places in houses. I remember when we (my family when I was a young girl) moved into the house I consider my childhood home. The former owners' children took us around to their rooms, and showed us that they had written stories on contact paper inside the closets. As young girls, my sister and I thought that was pretty neat. We never did take down those stories! When my parents died, I was tasked with packing up that house, and saying goodbye to all those memories. It was really hard at first, but as time went on, I knew that those memories weren't going to change. I will always have the sweet memories of my parents in their home. However, the couple who purchased that house, made it their own, and really enjoyed it too! That was the best ending of all....

I hope your little girl feels better soon, and you can get some rest. Hugs to you.

helderheid said...

Thanks LD. :)

Logically I am in the right place. I think it was just hard to see the lights on for the first time since they were turned off by my parents. It will be an adjustment. I hope you're right about a young family moving in. I would love that.

I do need rest. I hope I can sleep in a bit tomorrow and I hope my girl does too. Tomorrow I am showing houses to a man who has had 2 failed offers. I've worked with him on and off for a year. Another reason I'm tired. :)

I can't tell you how much I appreciate you. You ALWAYS respond to my posts and it means the world to me. *HUG*

lavenderdiva said...

I feel the same way! love.

Anonymous said...

I hope your little one is feeling better and you, too! It sounds like you are a bit melancholy and homesick. Take care of yourself.

Caitlin said...

I am so sorry and I am thinking of you. Hope your daughter is feeling better (my daughter is really sick too :(... this too shall pass).

I love lavenderdiva's comfort in regard to your parent's old home... I am sure what you are experiencing is still hard, but with such words from a friend that can help you through this rough time I am sure is quite comforting and helpful. :)

Take care. :)

Jen Payne said...

Change hurts, but always seems to bring new things to light. It is so hard to let go, but you are doing great. Just remember all that you have and then those other things will fade into the background. Sounds like you have a great family, parents, husband and not to mention a fabulous new body :) And guess what, you have all of those things no matter what house, building, or even a cardboard box you live in :) The actual house may be gone, but the memories are yours forever. Get some sleep and let go.