Thursday, August 12, 2010

Day 29 LM - 117 (+.3 of LDW)

I'm back home.

It was a whirlwind of a trip and quite emotional.

The situation with my brother came to a head. It was very enlightening and freeing. I'd not realized how long I've been trying so hard to gain his love and acceptance. He's going through the process of ending his marriage now and I know it's tearing him up and he used that as an excuse not to deal with me now, however we've had a lifetime to work things out and he's never made any effort to do so.  He showed his true colors this trip, and I finally was able to see him for who he is, and let go. I'm done being rejected by him once and for all. I have spent so much time and energy working through my childhood traumas and letting them go so I can live a full life. Unfortunately, some people just can't let go of their pasts and continue to blame their current circumstances on it rather than moving on. Anyway, I was sad about this but truly am feeling very free now about it all. I will never have the relationship I wanted with him and that's okay. I think I imagined who he was instead of seeing him for who he is. I think his situation is allowing those true colors to be seen.

I'm exhausted. It was a very, very long drive. I have so much to do (unpack, work, etc.) and no energy! I'm moving slowly today. That, and I am working on a 3 day migraine. It's day 2...

I have SO much catching up to do with all of you. I'm going to wrap this up and check you out before I move on and actually get my butt in gear!


lavenderdiva said...

I think you're exhausted from everything: missing your honey, not being on your own schedule, not eating usual foods at usual places & times, travel with kids, not to mention all the emotional upheaval with your brother. And let's not forget all the drama that occurred BEFORE you even left!! It's no wonder you're out of steam!

I'm so sorry that events unfolded the way they did with your brother. However, I have to feel that God put you there at this time to see what you did. You've been trying for years to make this relationship work, and always wanted to see what you wanted to see. He didn't have the energy to play the game, and you saw the relationship for what it is. I also thought as I was reading your post, that perhaps his soon-to-be ex-wife may have discovered this same thing? He may, in time (or not) begin to learn that to have relationships in life, one must put forth an effort, and sometimes they are nothing but work. But oh, the rewards that that work can bring! He may (or may not) also learn that you must work on yourself, and not blame others for your situation.

Allow him some space. Keep moving forward with your own life, but if at some point in the future, he would like a relationship with you, make room for that.


love you much!

Lis said...

LD said it best - as usual! :) Ditto!! :)
Glad you are home safe and sound!
Love to you both!

Jen Payne said...

Definitely a year of growth and enlightenment! But you are so much better for it. Keep it up, you are doing great despite all the chaos!