I'm way behind but promise to catch up with you and catch you up with me...

... in the meantime, please, please, please watch this and know I love you!

Happy Birthday to Me

Holding steady at about 122 (+ .4 over LDW given the new girls). Oh, I feel SO much better not having the pressure of losing right now.

I had a great birthday. I got this kick ass new toaster, fab-o fluffy socks, assorted green teas, bath stuff, and a great 2010 calendar from Astrology Zone with all the important dates marked.

We went to dinner and had Italian style pizza, soup, and gelato. I left full and happy. :)

Hope it's a great day for you!

tee-hee... bacon...

Yea, remember that whole avoid sodium thing? Heh. Bacon and eggs for dinner.

My husband took the kids out last night to buy me a birthday cake and presents and brought home some chili infused chocolate as well... and I'm afraid I couldn't resist it, so much for the low carb deal as well.

I'm up to 122.3 today, and I've made a decision. I've told my fitness program that I want to maintain this weight. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I was feeling so much pressure from the program it was stressing me out. :) I know what I'm doing and how to release these 5 or so pounds without the program, so as I release, I will simply tell the program to maintain that new weight. Pressure gone. I am still a little swollen, I weigh what I did when I met my husband, I wear a 4, and I'm healthy. Yes, I would love to be 117 pounds, but I won't stake my happiness on that. I'm still healing and priority #1 has to be my health and feeding my body what it needs to repair itself. I have HCG on its way and can do another short round in May, if I need or want to.

Breakfast? Coffee with half and half and a slice of Julian Bread with butter. Divine.

On a completely separate subject, I have set my DVR to record the Tyra Bank's Show today. It's about a 7 year old and an 8 year old who are transgender. My nephew was born a girl but we always knew the day would come when he'd say he was actually a boy. So far I'm really impressed with how his friends have accepted him as a boy. He's even had a girlfriend (he's 15). I think this is one of the most misunderstood conditions. Hopefully the show will help people to understand that it isn't about being gay (which I am also supportive of), it's about being another gender entirely.

My nephew wants to get the hormone treatments as soon as he can, but his father is resistant unfortunately. He is also saving money for an operation to change his sex officially. I spent about as much on myself to enhance my femininity. I hope to figure out how to raise money for him when the time comes.

THAT'S better. -2.5 pounds

I've just set the pot of water on for more green tea. :) In counting calories, I went WAY over but the steaks and tea did the trick. 121.5 today. If I can eat clean, clean, clean and get my water/tea in, I am confident I'll continue to move in the right direction with the scale. I am worried though that I'm not getting enough fiber so I think I'll have some julian bread today and see how that goes. Well, maybe tomorrow. I don't want to rock the boat! Lesson learned when trying to release... AVOID SODIUM! I love those chicken balls but I simply have to wait until I'm at or under LDW.

My son has a field trip to one of the local TV stations today. Yesterday they did some kind of weather experiment in their class and then were quizzed on it. A few kids, my son included, got 100% of the quiz correct. That gave those students an opportunity to write an essay about the experiment and two of those would be chosen to do the noon weather report on TV. So proud to say my son is one of the two! Can't wait to see my little meteorologist!

Thanks for all the kind and encouraging words yesterday! I was more than just a little freaked out at the scale and I really appreciate you all talking me down!

Hope it's great for you today!

What the...? *sigh*

2.2 ... GAIN. I have no idea what caused this. I ate 30 carbs and 120 grams of protein. Salt - it's the only thing I can attribute it to. That and possible TOM (no uterus so I never know). I ate these absolutely scrumptious organic chicken/cheese/spinach balls you can get at Costco. It is DEEEELISH, but loaded with sodium. I'm just depressed. I am right around where I ended up after R2. Again though, this has to be water as I didn't eat 7000+ extra calories.

Mr. helderheid said this morning, "I liked it better when you weren't weighing everyday."

I have 2 filets left from my 4 pack from Costco and they have to be eaten today so it'll be a steak day today. I'm thinking tomorrow I may either do Jay Robb protein shakes or chicken and eggs. I'm going to also look around online for a candida diet.

Lavenderdiva, antibiotics kill off the good stuff in your gut which can cause a fungal overgrowth. Cravings include sugar, carbs, and alcohol. I'm not having terrible cravings but I was on antibiotics for 3 weeks.

So foo foo. I've changed my goal to 119 by 2/12. I'm really hoping this is a fluke. This is the only time since I started weighing that I was surprised. I knew after the pizza and wings I'd have a gain, and I lost on all the days I expected to. I was fully expecting a nice drop this morning. So, it will be interesting to see if I can get a grip here. Oh 100 teens... come back!

Moving in the right direction... albeit slowly.

I had SO hoped that the steak day would have undone the damage of Friday night, however I only had about a pound loss (between the scales), but at least there was a loss, leaving me with 5 pounds I really want to shake. It's doable. I'm sure those wings are still kicking my ass. :)  I'm just tired and I fear I may have a candida overgrowth which would account for the cravings. Not a shocker given I was on anti-biotics for 3 weeks. I did take pro-biotics, but perhaps not enough. I've forgotten to take them the past week. I'll get back to that.

Okay, enough about me...

LAVENDERDIVA, you GO GIRL!!!!!!

I love this protocol. :)

I was sure I was a C cup (NSFW)

34 D!


I hate how expensive VS is. I had to come up with $40 out of pocket AFTER the $75 gift certificate for 2 bras and 3 panties.

That said girls, here's the fashion show...

I already bought the steaks...

I've heard that one day a week of just throwing caution to the wind can sometimes recharge your metabolism when dieting. Well, that was my logic last night... not so sure how I feel about it this morning though...

We had pizza and if I bought a side order of something, the delivery fee would be waived so I ordered hot wings. My husband had 1 wing... I ate the other... 9 wings!  That on top of the 2 slices of pizza with extra cheese. What on earth was I thinking? Oh, that's right! I WASN'T since we were also drinking wine! GAH!

What did it cost me?

2 pounds.

Now granted, I know I didn't actually gain 2 pounds as I didn't consume an extra 7,000 calories and this is water weight that can be easily corrected. Needless to say, it's filet mignon for dinner and nothing else! Hopefully that whole theory is a good one and we'll see me getting closer to 117 in the next few weeks. One day a week of crazy makes the rest of the week of P3 type foods a lot easier to stomach, so to speak. I'm sure those of you on P2/P3 want to slap me right now! Sorry!

I have a little work to do today and then I need to venture out on the icy roads to Victoria Secret where I have a gift card for my birthday from my in-laws for $75! I need new bras desperately!

Hope you're having a wonderful day! I'm looking forward to your updates!

Too much, too soon.

The good news? A loss of .7 bringing me down to 121.1, so just 4 pounds to go to get to my goal. The bad news? Too much yoga too soon, even though it was considered "light". The doctor warned me that if I pushed it and felt fluid build up to wear the sucky-in garment thing until it flattened back out. My tummy, although still very flat, is a little puffy today and the skin feels very tight so I'm putty that sucky in thing back on and taking it easy. This is a forever thing - I can wait a while to start back to work outs. I will not hurt myself.

Not sure about today, diet wise. A couple co-workers of my husband are coming over tonight for tarot readings and I said I'd provide pizza or Chinese food if they brought the wine. If we do pizza, I could do a low carb day and just eat the cheese. Chinese would probably be a disaster but it sounds sooooooooooooo good right now! Oh what to do...

Have a wonderful, peaceful, happy day!

6 week weigh in and pictures - 121.8 - about 5 pounds up from where I want to be

Hey lovies,

I finally weighed in. I was 121.9 on one, 121.7 on suck up so I am taking 121.8. I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised. I had this horrific fear I'd be closer to 130. I'm sure right after surgery I was. So much of the puffiness is gone, yet not totally. It will take a full 3 months (another 6 weeks) before the swelling in my breasts is completely gone, and a full 6 months for the belly (though I suspect it may not take that long since I didn't have the muscle repair).

So, as I said in my previous post, I think with the implants I should (should? well I want) be right around 117. Actually, given my actual LDW was 117.6 and that would have me with my new bod at 119.6, I am technically only .2 over the 2 pound limit. Not bad for not weighing for 6 weeks, eating basically anything and everything, the holidays, and not moving!  I start my yoga today for 21 days before I start adding in other exercise. I have told my fitness program that I want to be at 117 by February 12 (when my best friend and my husband's best friend are coming to visit from Switzerland). Whether I make it or not, I'm not terribly concerned. Right now my main goal is to achieve balance and health.

Picture time! I'm not brave to do this nekkid though. :)

Thank you all very much.

First, I want to say how much I appreciate your love and support. I deleted the post about my brother when I discovered that if you googled his name, my blog came up and I really hadn't intended for people to find this blog that way, if you know what I mean. That aside, your comments mean a great deal to me and the support and love you shared with me gave me comfort.

Small update. I went to the doctor today and was given the go ahead to start exercising, albeit slowly and to listen very carefully to my body. I told him I planned on starting with yoga. He seemed very pleased with that. My plan is 21 days straight of yoga. Studies show it takes 21 days to make or break a habit so I thought some light yoga for 21 days before adding in other exercise will not only give my body a chance to get used to it again, but also build that healthy habit.

Tomorrow, after 6 weeks of not doing so, I weigh in. I am nervous. I am also in my size 4s still, so even if the number is scary, I can't complain and I know in 4.5 months I can do another short round if need be. I ordered the HCG this morning. If I need it, fine. If not, fine. I may use it before the holidays as a cleanse if I don't need it for any added weight. In any case, I ordered my security blanket.

Last night I went out with a few girlfriends and we had appetizers at a Mexican restaurant. Very salty. fat, and carby. That said, today is a steak day before my first weigh in tomorrow. Tomorrow, I'm thinking of doing a cheese and apple day, using fondu. I LOVE dipping apple in fondu. Sounds heavenly, and I'm interested in seeing the results as I know many have had greater success in using an apple and cheese day (1 apple and 2 ounces of cheese for 3 meals) than a steak day. Again, I don't even know if I'll need it.  I'm thinking my new breasts add 1.5-2 extra pounds so my new stable weight should be around 117 or so.

I'll take some pictures of the new bod soon so you can get an idea. I LOVE how flat my tummy is! The breasts are beginning to soften. :)

Again, thanks for all the support. I may be traveling to Oregon for my brother's memorial soon. Monday was hell. I was the one to break the news to my brother and sister.

XOXO

SUPER quick post. You guys were right!

So weird this would happen right after my last post, but just as you guys said it would, I started feeling lightening strikes of stinging pain in my left nipple! I will get the sensation back ! WOOT!

OH and my nipple is finally healing where the hole was! YES!

I have a lot I want/need to share but I'm really too tired right now to give it the proper attention. There has been a cosmic shift - that's really all I can say for now.

LOVE you!

hey you

First, this link works now: http://www.mercycorps.org/fundraising/helderheid

Second, a quick update on my recovery.

I showed homes today! A sure sign I am on the mend. I am also wearing my size 4s.

Okay, so my healing. My tummy is almost flat. Soon I'll do a bikini pic so you can see for yourselves.

My breast is still sporting that purple bandaid. I wish that spot where the infected stitch was would close.

Sensitivity - left breast, nothing below the top of the nipple. I hate that my nipple is "dead". Right breast, nipple has feeling (YEAH!!!) but nothing below it does. Time for a tattoo?? Hee hee!

I will weigh in on my birthday... or the day after. Let's not ruin my day. I then get to exercise. I CAN'T WAIT.

Still haven't ordered the HCG. Will. It will make me feel safe.

XOXOXOXOOX

Can you help me raise money for relief efforts in Haiti?

I just created a personal fundraising page on mercycorps.org. I'm trying to raise money to support earthquake survivors in Haiti.

Haiti's capital city is said to be "flattened," and officials the number of dead may top 100,000.

Mercy Corps is deploying a team of relief workers to the island to help meet survivors' most urgent needs -- like shelter, food and clean water. They've responded to dozens of disasters like this in the past, such as earthquakes in Peru in 2007, in Pakistan and China in 2008, and in Padang, Indonesia last year.

Please check out my page for more info -- http://www.mercycorps.org/fundraising/helderheid -- and please consider making a gift on behalf of my campaign.

Thank you!

-helderheid

Governor Corroon!

Hi guys!!

Just a REALLY quick post - I made it downtown to witness Mayor Corroon's official Gubernatorial Announcement. It was great to see many familiar faces! Many of them hadn't seen me for sometime and I was showered with compliments. :) It felt SO good!!

xoxox!

Tomorrow is the big day

Guys, thanks for all the comments!! I would have posted earlier but the woman who started the draft campaign with me came over last night to celebrate and I drank WAY too much (though I had an absolute blast). Still recovering. It was such a great night. I introduced her to my best friend here and they totally hit it off. They are all like me - allergic to most people. We tend to not go out or get in social situations. We had SO MUCH FUN.

I'm in the middle. :)

I CAN WEAR MY 4s!! They are tight as all get out, but I can wear them! In 2 weeks I can exercise and at that point I'll weigh in. I think it will be okay.

So tomorrow is the big day. I may actually be on TV. If so, I'll post a link to the video. :D

Love you guys!!!!

puffy pictures

Lovies!

I am wearing jeans for the first time since surgery and I had a BATH today! AH, to feel human again!!

Here are some pics of me today. These are my size 6 jeans (man am I ever glad I didn't get rid of my 6s yet!! I hope to shrink back to my 4s soon, but in the meantime, these come in handy).

I'm definitely puffier than I would like to be but hey - I'm not going to bitch. A size 6 is still freakin' awesome. I expect when it's all said and done, my 4s will slip on just fine. I'm basically eating P3 style and counting calories so I don't have an unpleasant surprise when the swelling is gone. I've not ordered my HCG yet, but will, just in cases. If I need to, I'll start a new round this fall.

Speaking of 6s, I am so happy that I have 4 pair of fancy pants that I'd had in a box to donate. Tuesday, Salt Lake County Mayor Peter Corroon  will officially announce his candidacy for Utah Governor. He's the one (if you've followed this blog) who had a meet and greet in my home when he was running for re-election as Mayor. I think he is one of the most impressive politicians of our time. His cousin is Howard Dean, by the way.

All that aside, I've been working along side another activist in drafting him as a candidate for Governor via a facebook page, and yesterday it was confirmed that he is throwing his hat in the ring! I am so thrilled. I was told to be available when the official announcement happens so I went through those pants and found just the outfit that will be perfect. It was even a little loose. :)

Have a great weekend! I'm going to check to see what YOU'RE up to now... :)

Say it with me... NO MORE DRAINS!!!!

He checked me today and poked my belly. It's hard and swollen but NORMAL! I am sooooooooo happy!

The not so happy is the place where he removed the infected stitch. It's just not closing. This was the unpleasant part of the visit. He had me lay down while he went into that spot and pull out sutures that weren't dissolving. That stung a bit and was totally nerve wracking. I gasped at one point and he asked if he'd hurt me and I responded, "No, I tend to overreact." to which he replied totally straight faced, "You overreact?". I love this man's dry humor! :) Anyway, that didn't last too long thank goodness and I can only hope now this damned spot closes over. He put some neosporin and a big bandaid on in.

So here are the answers to the questions I had:

1. 6 weeks post-op I should be able to resume vigorous exercise.

2. I can sleep on my side so long as I'm comfy doing so.

3. I need to wear a bra at night as long as that spot is still open. After that, I'm done! (I actually typed "nose" instead of "done" first - WTH?!?) I'm nose!

YEA FOR RECOVERING!!! :D I don't see him again until Jan 20!!

Thanks again for listening to me! *HUG*

Not much to report but report I must

I find that blogging daily really helps me mentally and emotionally which must help me physically, so here I am. Day 1 drain free. My tummy is extended, however it isn't doing that waterbed thing so I believe all is well. I am back tomorrow at the doctor to make sure.

I must, must, must remember these 3 questions before I go in.

1. What is MY time frame for exercise/cleaning/physical activity since I had complications?

2. How long do I have to wear the bra at night?

3. When can I sleep on my side?

I am, of course, curious about sex as well, but I figure that falls under question 1. We've already done some work arounds.

I'm both anxious to get back in the game and yet also wish I didn't have obligations awaiting me. I feel that pressure and I hate that.

Hugs and kisses and a report post doctor tomorrow. :D

Done with the drain (knock on wood)!

Evening, my peeps!

It's GONE. I was so worried it was going to be as painful as the last time, but knew at least it would only be the one side this time. I gave myself a good pep talk and went in.

She snipped out the stitches holding it in which was uncomfortable but bearable. She then asked me if I wanted to know when she was going to yank it out. I whimpered, "I don't know!" and she smiled and said "It's done!". What? It's done? I didn't even feel it! "This is what I've been dreading all day? That was nothing!" What a relief! So now you know, drains going back don't hurt either direction. Not a bit.

She checked that spot where the infected stitch was removed and said it needs to dry out a bit more so less neosporin. It was a relief that it didn't need to be restitched.

As soon as the incision scabs where I had the drain, I can bathe. YES!

Now it's a wait and see. I have an appointment to go back Friday to make sure the same thing doesn't happen again with the excess fluid.  Please think flat tummy normalcy thoughts for me. I would really like to just shut up and heal now, thank you very much. :)

Oh, I tried on my size 4s today and managed to button them but juuuuust barely. I asked her again when I could realistically expect the swelling to be down as I was sure I hadn't gained THAT much weight over the holidays! 3 months for the breasts to be totally normal and 6 MONTHS for the tummy. Okay, that said, being able to button the 4s is probably a good sign. I am so glad I've not gotten rid of my size 6s! They were getting so loose but I'm sure they'll serve me well as I deflate.

I'm thinking I MAY buy more HCG for a potential round 6 months down the line, just in cases. Like a smoker who quits but needs a security blanket and has a carton of cigarettes in the back of their closet, I'll have that HCG there knowing that I can ALWAYS do another round. Silly as that may seem, I think it might help me relax and goodness knows I can use all the peace I can get. I am so very highly sprung.

My thoughts are with you all who are releasing, stabilizing, gearing up for surgery, and looking for steady work. XOXO You're in the Light.

One more night with the drain.

It's official. The drain comes out tomorrow. YEA!! I am not looking forward to the pain, but I am not nervous. I will take tylonel, but no anti-anxiety drugs. I want to be able to drive myself. This may sound strange, but I've been cooped up here for too long. If I can drive myself and get this taken care of, that means I can take myself to a grocery store afterwards and just walk. I am desperate to just be OUT.

I am hoping I won't need another stitch, but  if so I will simply insist they numb me before doing it. You have no idea how much I want a bath! If all is well tomorrow, I can have a bath on Saturday. AH, a BATH!!!

OH, and I'm not weighing myself for 3 more weeks. They told me the swelling would be mostly over 6 weeks post op so no weighing until then. I can't face it otherwise. If I have to do another round, so be it. I hope I don't (of course). Still, knowing it's a viable option that WILL work if I need it is such a comfort. I fell into the wine yesterday and had a doughnut (I NEVER eat them) last night as well. Gah! It's clean eating today! I'm hoping the periodic steak days and protein days are correcting any issues.

Here's to y'all and your success!!! Thank you SO MUCH for being a part of mine and the continued support and comments!

Gearing up to drive with the drain!

I'm dressed, without the girdle, and so far pretty comfy with hopes this drive will be non-eventful. I have one rent check ready to be deposited and a kid stool in my car for my son to check the mail for me to see if any others came in. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this.

My mother sent me this article from the Daily Om about healing vibrations.  I went to iTunes and downloaded this most WONDERFUL CD for healing and chakra balancing. I am loving it. I highly recommend it. I am hoping it will help progress my healing. I can tell you I already feel more peaceful. It's beautiful.

I am right on track for having the drain removed on Wednesday. A day that, again, I dread but am also so looking forward to. I will feel much more free.

Technically I can wear a normal bra without an underwire tomorrow and I have 3 I bought waiting for me, but that spot where he removed the infected stitch still isn't closed. I emailed a somewhat blurry picture to the office but she said it didn't look infected and was probably just slow to heal and that it could wait until Wednesday to be seen. I will wait until that spot is healed before I do the new bras. I have neosporin on it and a gauze pad. Hopefully it will seal up soon.

Hope this wasn't too much info! I'm feeling so much better. Thanks again for all the support! I think it's so cool that I have you all to listen to me and to cheer me on. :)

Love ya!

UPDATE


I drove and survived!

Nervous about tomorrow

Hellooooo!

Well, tomorrow is the big day. The kids are going back to school and I have to get back to work, only I will still have this drain!! I honestly don't know if I can drive with it. Unfortunately, I had a total of 35 ml drainage so the drain stays until it's 3 days in a row of 25 ml or less. I believe today may be day 1 as it has slowed tremendously. Still, this leaves me with at least 2 days of ferrying the kids to and from school. I find that if I don't wear the girdle, it's less painful so perhaps if I could just manage the driving girdle free.

Sorry about all the complaining. It's hard feeling out of control and helpless. I hate too that I have no idea what's happening weight wise. I have a steak so I'm doing a steak day. No clue if I need to. That said, I have started logging my calories again, just for some sense of control in my life now.

I not only am a Realtor, but a property manager as well. I am still waiting on 2 rent checks to come in. Unfortunately, the post office box is the top row and I'm 5' tall and shouldn't be stretching. This means I either send my son (who is 9 but about as tall as I am ) with a step stool and have him get the mail for me, or I have my husband do it after work and I make the deposit the next day. Either way, it's a pain. I really need just 1 more week of extra help.

I sure am enjoying reading all your blogs. It really helps me feel connected! Love to all y'all and CONGRATS  to you guys starting another round with your kick ass losses! I am impressed!

Happy palindrome day! 01022010 Have supper for breakfast!

Hey, hey lovies.

I managed to pay the bills today which is in and of itself a huge accomplishment.

Yesterday was hard. I cried on and off all day. I suspect it's that TOM and that perhaps it was a withdrawal symptom from the klonopin. The entire day was off. For one thing, and I know this may sound silly, but I slept in until 10:30 which I haven't done since the operation and I forgot to set the DVR to record the Rose Parade. I caught just the last half hour. Watching the parade with coffee and something sweet has been a family tradition long before I was born. It's something my mother did with her mother and then with me. It set the day off wrong to have missed it.

This drain is so uncomfortable. It is constantly jabbing me and trying to find a good position to be comfortable is impossible. I do manage to find ways where I am more comfortable, if you can call it that. I'm feeling well enough to want to do things but I'm trapped in my body. I am still soooo puffy (I can finally consistently see the bones in my feet though) and round and I feel as big and awkward (though I know I'm not) as when I weighed 169 pounds. I am round. I tried on my size 4s and barely managed to get them over my hips and couldn't button them. I have no idea if I've gained "real" weight on top of being already so swollen.

I believe they may be able to remove the drain on Monday and that does give me some hope. I'm still draining, but very little and the color has changed from blood red to yellowish pink (sorry if this is too much info). I managed about 25 ml yesterday. He wants me at that level or less for 3 days. I'd worry that this isn't working because I was at that level when they removed them last time, but the color was so different that I believe perhaps this is it. I truly hope so. I am so stir crazy. I have work I want to do. I am anxious to start exercising again (a week from Tuesday I should be able to). I want to be able to drive (walking is damned near impossible with this thing jabbing me).

So there is my pity party. Poor me. I do know this is my year for total transformation. Last year I awoke in my cocoon and fought hard to get out, and I'm still fighting but I know I will be released very soon physically, and this year my marriage will fight through the cocoon as well. It will transform. We love each other and that is worth fighting for. We're in a comfortable groove, but one that isn't healthy. We need to shake it up for ourselves and our family. A lot needs to change. I do have faith it will. I know he loves me as much as I love him and we'll do this for each other. I want my family to have a fighting chance at true happiness and freedom.

Thanks for listening to my babble. :) XOXO

And now for something completely different.

Happy New Year! Susan Miller's Astrology Zone Monthly forcast is UP!

Hey lovies,

Had an emotional and unpleasant blow out with the hubby last night that I won't get into, but I will say I told him I was sick to death of his smoking. Mercury is retrograde and when we have blow ups, it's always at this time. We agreed not to argue until January 16, when it goes direct. It's all sunshine and rainbows here today. :)

I am about to go read my monthly horoscope - this is by the same person who nailed it last month. Check yours out!