Saturday, January 2, 2010

Happy palindrome day! 01022010 Have supper for breakfast!

Hey, hey lovies.

I managed to pay the bills today which is in and of itself a huge accomplishment.

Yesterday was hard. I cried on and off all day. I suspect it's that TOM and that perhaps it was a withdrawal symptom from the klonopin. The entire day was off. For one thing, and I know this may sound silly, but I slept in until 10:30 which I haven't done since the operation and I forgot to set the DVR to record the Rose Parade. I caught just the last half hour. Watching the parade with coffee and something sweet has been a family tradition long before I was born. It's something my mother did with her mother and then with me. It set the day off wrong to have missed it.

This drain is so uncomfortable. It is constantly jabbing me and trying to find a good position to be comfortable is impossible. I do manage to find ways where I am more comfortable, if you can call it that. I'm feeling well enough to want to do things but I'm trapped in my body. I am still soooo puffy (I can finally consistently see the bones in my feet though) and round and I feel as big and awkward (though I know I'm not) as when I weighed 169 pounds. I am round. I tried on my size 4s and barely managed to get them over my hips and couldn't button them. I have no idea if I've gained "real" weight on top of being already so swollen.

I believe they may be able to remove the drain on Monday and that does give me some hope. I'm still draining, but very little and the color has changed from blood red to yellowish pink (sorry if this is too much info). I managed about 25 ml yesterday. He wants me at that level or less for 3 days. I'd worry that this isn't working because I was at that level when they removed them last time, but the color was so different that I believe perhaps this is it. I truly hope so. I am so stir crazy. I have work I want to do. I am anxious to start exercising again (a week from Tuesday I should be able to). I want to be able to drive (walking is damned near impossible with this thing jabbing me).

So there is my pity party. Poor me. I do know this is my year for total transformation. Last year I awoke in my cocoon and fought hard to get out, and I'm still fighting but I know I will be released very soon physically, and this year my marriage will fight through the cocoon as well. It will transform. We love each other and that is worth fighting for. We're in a comfortable groove, but one that isn't healthy. We need to shake it up for ourselves and our family. A lot needs to change. I do have faith it will. I know he loves me as much as I love him and we'll do this for each other. I want my family to have a fighting chance at true happiness and freedom.

Thanks for listening to my babble. :) XOXO


lavenderdiva said...

!teews ym, olleh

Happy palindrome day to you too! I'm so sorry that your drain is causing you such discomfort and you've been upset lately. This too shall pass- The process of blossoming into the 'new' you, and your new outlook on life, is not without a little pain. But oh, how worth it it will be!

Paying those bills was a great way of reinforcing your new resolution to paying off all bills! Good job!!

helderheid said...

Thank you!! :) This has been the hardest New Year - I think it's a combination but I do believe it promises for very much good luck and transformation for the year to come!! *HUG*

Jen Payne said...

When it rains it pours, right? Keep your chin up, you are doing great. Just think how fabulous you are going to look when this is all said and done. Even if you did pick up a few pounds you can do a final round with me and get them back off :) But you have to wait for me to recover my surgery first!! :) I am excited but sooo nervous. Things weight wise have been going so smoothly since October, and I hate to rock the boat. I hope this year is a good one for me too. My 17 year old son has made the last year incredibly difficult. He "moved out" for the 3rd time on New Years Day. Don't know how much more I can take. Oh well, I guess we just keep going right?


Christy in Seattle said...

Hang in there ... keep your goal in mind. Elective surgery is still surgery. Recovery can have setbacks. Just think of how beautiful you'll be when it's all over and done with!

Lis said...

Lavenderdiva, Jen and Christy said it better than I, but know that I am sending quick healing thoughts your way! Glad you are moving forward as a family... you are right, when you have it, its worth fighting for!