What a New Year's Eve!

I love my friend. Not only did she make sure the kids were entertained, she took me to the office and isn't grossed out so she sat there with me while they worked on me. It was mostly painless, with the exception of a sting here and there. The drain is smaller than the last and they assure me it is SO much less traumatic getting it out than the others. While he was at it, he checked a stitch on one of my nipples that had apparently gotten infected. It should had been gone so he removed that as well. It was such a relief to have it done, as well as the fact that they didn't hurt me. My friend booked a consultation with them right afterwards. :)

So, my friend is off to gather supplies to make a collage. I did mine at Thanksgiving but New Year's Eve is most appropriate for doing a yearly collage (and when I normally do it but with my mom and sister away, we do it when we can be together). Turns out she's looking West too - to Astoria, Oregon!

My husband had a WONDERFUL evening with my sister, her son and her wasband last night eating fondu and drinking beer at their house. I am so glad he had that experience!

He's on his way home now. I can't wait to see him!

I had dreaded today but it's turning into a really great New Year's Eve. I'm feeling grateful and calm, and glad (even though I think he's a great guy) that I don't have to see my doctor EVERY day! :D

HAPPY NEW YEAR to all of my friends here! *HUGS*

Klonopin

Better than Xanax. I had forgotten I had a bottle for my fear of flying. We went to Holland a few years back and my wonderful doctor prescribed them for the flight. Speaking of flights, I'm flyyyyiiinnnggg! WEEEEEEEEE!

My friend is coming over to pick up the kids and drop them at her place for a play date and then coming back to take me to my appointment. I still get little pangs of nerves, but this drug is wonderful. It should wear off in time for some New Year's Eve cheer too. :)

I really appreciate you guys holding my hand and offering help. And for you local readers, I'm anxious to get together in person someday!

TooooOOOooodle looooOOOOoooo

How appropriate...

My horoscope, specifically about tomorrow (and by the way, I texted my doctor and they will numb me before doing the drains and I can take an anxiety pill if I have a ride):

The month's end brings dramatic, possibly jarring news at the full moon lunar eclipse, December 31. This full moon will bring either a health or work-related matter of yours to culmination. A full moon will crystallize an ongoing situation by clarifying certain information so that you can decide what to do. Often eclipses bring news from the outside in, bringing events over which you have no control that will change the way you view a situation. The universe does this to keep us moving, so be philosophical about whatever you hear.

If a health problem should come up, you are fortunate in that Pluto is currently touring your twelfth house, giving you access to distinguished medical advice. Your powers of regeneration will be very high, so stay optimistic. If you don't feel your doctor or therapist understands your condition, keep searching - the right one can be found.

At work, a trusted subordinate may suddenly announce a departure. While you may be sad to see her go, it's all part of the ever-moving wheel of life. You will find a replacement in the New Year, and your new recruit will have different, but very valuable talents to offer - some that will truly delight you.

I'm an Aquarius, by the way.

Love to you and thanks for the support!

I did it.

While I was upstairs opening the blinds in my daughter's room, I looked out to see my parents' old home. I burst into tears.  I've been feeling overly emotional lately but this really just set me off. So I did it.

I texted my husband (I don't feel comfortable calling when he's at the Portland office) and told him that if he was offered a position there to not turn it down but to seriously consider it. I don't know why I've been so afraid to simply put it out there. We've talked since, but not seriously - he made jokes about how he couldn't wait to get back to Utah, but knowing him, it was to keep things light and funny. I'm just glad he knows now what I want.

He's having drinks tonight with my sister and her wasband. I hope they have a great time!

So I fear this experiment with the antibiotics didn't work. I'm totally distended now. It's bad and beyond uncomfortable. I've tried reaching friends to see if I could get some help to get to the doctor but can reach no one. I know he lives in the same town as I do so I just texted him asking if he ever makes house calls and explained the situation. Hopefully I'll hear back soon. It's all I can do not to panic right now over this situation!

Hope you're all well!

UPDATE:

He just left. This isn't resolving so he's going to put another drain in. :( He said it will be less a pain than the other drains but I will INSIST on a pain pill for when they pull it out!!!! That and xanax.

Another real quick update

Thank goodness for good friends. I had a friend (her son actually had a couple operations done by Dr. Warnock, my doctor) who drove me to the office today and watched my kids while I went in. It's snowing so this gave me a great relief as I HATE to drive on icy roads and was worried I might have to jerk around if I hit ice. Not good for the recovery.

My doctor was in surgery so I met with the PA (who is a doll). Today, if I managed less than 15 cc I could simply go on my marry way and not receive the anti-biotic. No such luck, however. 35 cc. SO, she shot the antibiotic in. Apparently a side effect is that it irritates the lining of the pocket that keeps filling with fluid and because of that, a side effect is that the lining (hopefully) will stick to the other lining, eliminating the space for the fluid to build up. She's very hopeful this will take care of it. I feel it "burning" right now. She wanted me back tomorrow, however there is another storm (a bigger one) coming and I have no help. My husband flies out tonight to meet with the big boss in Portland and won't be back until Thursday. SO, I go in Thursday instead. HOPEFULLY this last thing will have taken care of it all and I'll have good news to report. Most appropriate as it will be a full eclipse (blue moon!) and a time for resolution.

Thanks again for the positive vibes! You guys are the best! I'm off to catch up with you. :)

Super quick update.

Okay, he drained me again. 55 ccs this time, but over 2 days time. It's getting better, though he wants me back tomorrow. At least he hasn't mentioned another drain or more surgery again! He did mention perhaps adding an antibiotic in after the draining tomorrow. I'm REALLY getting to know this guy!

He looked me over past that and thinks I'm healing beautifully. Always nice to hear!!

I really don't have mush to share. I'm exhausted. I normally awaken at 4 but always fall right back to sleep. Not today. I've been up since 4. I think I may flop on the couch and close my eyes.

Feeling well enough to be hating life.

I don't mean to whine, I really don't. My life is so incredibly good right now, and I am bursting with gratitude, however, I am feeling so much better today and yet still am so limited and still have this tummy fluid issue that I am depressed.

I figure I must be improving since the doctor didn't insist on seeing me today. I noticed the swelling was so much better this morning, however as the day goes on, it comes back. Tomorrow I go back to be re-drained. I have a 2 week follow-up that was scheduled for Wednesday but that was before I had this whole fluid build up thing going on, so I'm hoping beyond hope that after tomorrow, he says I won't need anymore "draining sessions" and have him check me for my 2 week follow up tomorrow rather than having to come back on Wednesday. Please join me in these thoughts. Let's manifest that, y'all! :)

I asked him yesterday how long I needed to wear a girdle and he said he recommends 6 weeks and then said, "How long has it been, 3?" and was shocked when I told him it had only been 1.5 weeks. I truly believe I am recovering at warp speed here.

The funny thing about all of this is that it was my tummy that bothered me more than anything. Having that "apron" depressed me. My shrunken breasts bothered me a little, but really not that much. My mom was the one who convinced me to do both and that I'd feel so much better after getting new breasts. She was right. Even after just a week and a half and having a whole lot longer to totally heal from the surgery, I can already tell you my breasts are gorgeous. Works of art. Perfectly symmetrical and the perfect size. I am wearing a t-shirt today and let me say, I make it look GOOD. I'm so glad I got that done.

Thanks for hearing me out with this whiny post. I am really so very lucky to have you in my corner.

A new day

Good morning, my lovies.

First, thanks for all the encouragement in the comments from my last post. Having you guys here going through this with me is SO helpful.

Today is a steak day. Again, I'm not weighing myself but I have a steak and it expires today, so there you have it. I may as well do it, especially after all the crap I've been eating. I am not a sugar person but I've had caramel corn and chocolate the last week. I have no idea if and how that's affected my weight. I do know I don't feel well after eating sugar, so the steak day is a welcomed one. I also found some Jay Robb chocolate flavored egg white protein shakes in my storage that I pulled out. I think I'll do a shake day after the steak day, and then I may do an apple/cheese day just to clean me out after the holidays, and then go back to more of a Mediterranean style diet of balanced protein, veggies and fruit.

So my tummy feels less distended this morning. Whether it is or not I can't tell for sure. I meet my doctor in an hour and a half to have him drain it again. Although I know it doesn't hurt and it's not a big deal, I am still dreading it.

My feet are so swollen! I look pregnant both with my belly and my feet and ankles. When I get back from my appointment, I'll lay down with my feet elevated and hopefully that will help with the swelling.

My husband leaves Monday for Portland and returns Thursday. I'm glad I have the kids here to help me if I need it, but having to juggle getting someone to watch them while I go to the doctor is no fun. Fortunately, I have very good friends who have offered to help. I feel very blessed!

I'm off to shower and get ready to go. Boy do I miss baths! Another week and a half and I can soak in the tub again!!

Thanks again, guys :)

NOT such a Merry Christmas

The reason you've not seen my tummy is that since Tuesday, it's been really bloated. I was told it's normal swelling and that it can be so discouraging because right out of surgery, it's perfectly flat. I was told it could be 6 weeks before it will be looking normal. Well, Wednesday when they removed the drains, she said about 1 in 15 women will have problems after the drains are out with too much fluid being gathered. She told me the warning sign is if you tap your belly and it wiggles like a water bed.

I awoke totally in pain with my belly as it is terribly distended. I was told too that after the drains come out, getting a bit more swollen there is normal, so I didn't pay much attention to it until I went to the bathroom this afternoon, and did the water bed test. I failed. So, here it is Christmas and I had to call my doctor. Fortunately, he made it very clear I could contact him with any questions at any time. He called me after I left a message with his service and we're meeting at the surgical center in an hour where he will draw the excess fluid out with a needle (YIKES!!!). He assures me I won't feel a thing as that part of the belly has no nerve sensation and advised me to simply look the other way.

PLEASE send positive vibes my way and a VERY happy holiday to all y'all!!!

UPDATE


Okay, I'm back. It didn't hurt, and I wasn't overreacting about my belly. He was very glad I called. He drained 42 cc's of fluid and I'm to return tomorrow to have it done again. UGH! He said  hopefully it wouldn't take too many times to get it under control, so who knows how many more times I'll have to have this done. He said if it doesn't resolve we may need to do another drain, but more likely he'd operate to fix the problem. Quite frankly I'd rather he operate than to do another drain. He said the likelihood of needing to go in again is 25%. Let's hope we can control it with the manual draining with the syringe. It was SO less traumatic than having the drains out.

Happy Holidays from the Girls and Me!

I will not lie. That hurt like a mother&!@$*$

Thank goodness I took the xanax and the tylenol. I have no idea how much worse it would have been.The nurse thought I was BRILLIANT to do that. Tuck this little info away in case you have to do this too. I screamed with each drain and swore (by the way, swearing actually helps).

They are AMAZED by my progress. Simply amazed. I'm telling you, it's the 2000 mg of vitamin C, 6000-10,000 mg of vitamin D, the Lifecaps, Zyflamend, TMG, apple cider vinegar, and cordyceps. I really think all that has played a huge role in my healing.

So, I no longer have to wear my compression stalkings. I brought in my own sucky-in girdle thing that I had from before and they said it was perfect so that's what I have now. I can't remember how long I need to wear it, but the strap I was wearing across my chest I now only need to wear at night. I feel SO FREE right now. A whole new woman.

They removed the stitches from around my belly button and took the tape off of my breasts and belly. Everything is looking just great.

I was told to be extra limited in my movement for 48 hours while my tissue heals from the tubes being removed so I'm doing just that.

Thanks for the well wishes and good thoughts!!

Hello my lovies! Today is D day... DRAINS DAY!

This is a day I've so looked forward to and dreaded all at once.

I emailed the clinic yesterday asking if they could prescribe a pain pill for me for before my appointment so that the drain removal would be less traumatic but she assured me I didn't have anything to worry about. So, I took matters into my own hands. About an hour ago I took 2 extra strength tylenols and 1 xanax. I am feeling goooooood right now. I still dread having them yank out the tubes, but I am SO looking forward to having them gone. They've been the worst part of the surgery. I look forward to being able to wear normal underwear and not have to worry about looping the tubing through holes in the front.

I will report back when it's over. My appointment is in a half hour. Think quick tube non-traumatic removal thoughts for me!!

My in-laws are gone and I'm totally off pain medication

Hi all,

Yesterday was my husband's birthday. My natural father and his wife visited and we had a little celebration for my husband. Because my in-laws were leaving today, we went ahead and did our Christmas with them yesterday as well. Since they wouldn't be here for my birthday next month, I went ahead and opened my birthday presents with them as well. I got the new expansion pack for the Sims 3 and a gift certificate for Victoria's Secret for $75! PERFECT! I'll be ready in a couple weeks to go bra shopping again! :D

I had no plans to be careful yesterday food wise. I ate cookies, caramel corn, drank wine, etc. - I feel bloated and icky today and am doing a steak day. I have NO idea if I need to or not. Once I'm totally unwrapped and these drains are out, I'll weigh myself. I am very nervous about it, I must admit. I keep telling myself that if I HAD to do another round, I could. I just really, really, REALLY don't want to have to. I want to get on that scale and see maybe only a slight increase due to the new additions...if that. We shall see, we shall see.

I'm going to attempt to get undressed and shower on my own this morning. My husband is at work and I'm home with the kids. Thank goodness they "get" that I'm not 100% and are being really good.

OKAY, well, Happy Holidays all y'all! Hugs and kisses!

No prescriptions on the weekend??

Ugh. I am down to 3 pain pills (2.5 now) so I had to cut them in half and send my husband out to get tylenol. I've been working on taking them farther apart and fewer in between, but I still need them. Good lord, people told me the breast surgery would be painful but I had NO IDEA. I went an entire night without medication night before last, but awoke at quarter till 7 so uncomfortable I knew I just needed to get out of bed. Still with the intention of not taking anymore, I went to get my thyroid medication but soon discovered it was excruciating to try to open the pill bottle. I failed. I took it and my pain medication bottle to my husband and took one of each. I am now still stretching the time, but now the dose even more.

I had planned on taking 2 full pain meds before they pulled my drains out (uuuuuugh), which will be either Monday or Wednesday, but that won't work now unless they give me more tomorrow. I'd prefer to be done with it altogether if I can. I'm thinking perhaps I'll take extra strength tylenol and a xanax before they take out my drains. I am both dreading it (I remember how painful/uncomfortable it was when I had my hysterectomy) and looking forward to it like you can't imagine. I am so sick of these things and every time they get tugged on, I feel the most horrific sting. It's awful. I am so ready to take a shower without wearing a necklace that I can hang the drains on. UGH.

I didn't go past 5 days without a movement (sorry if this is TMI). It felt like I gave birth 3 times that day, I swear! I had NO idea how uncomfortable I was until it was over. Won't let that happen again. Uuuugh!!

I am beginning to look human again. I've been taking various pictures along the way. It's an interesting transformation and the bruises, being symmetrical, are actually kind of pretty in a sci-fi kind of way.

I'm tired of being confined but oh so grateful for the help. My mother-in-law is vacuuming as I type. The laundry has never been so taken care of!

I wish now that I had weighed immediately after surgery since I know what I weighed before. That way I could account for all the extra and know what I was truly dealing with, but I didn't do that. Perhaps psychologically this is a good thing since I've been in "control" for YEARS (logging my weight and food since 2006) and perhaps breaking that isn't a bad thing. I have to think that way to keep my sanity. I asked my husband to get me a steak for Tuesday night as my in-laws will be gone then and I have no idea if I need one or not even close, but I think it will make me feel better to do one. :)

Love you all! Off to catch up.

Quick update - not weighing in for another couple weeks!

I was confusing in my last post when I said I weighed in at 118 on surgery day. Most thought I meant post-op. No, no, no, this was pre-op. It was quite a shock to put on 2 pounds overnight. It wasn't the calories as I logged every bite and had calories to spare. I suspect it was lack of BM, stress, and salt. I had really hoped to go into surgery closer to my happy weight of 115 but no such luck.

I don't plan to weigh in until all the compression stockings, corsettes, and bandages come off so I'm thinking it will be a couple weeks. I don't want to scare myself as I am retaining a LOT of water, and I've not had a movement now in 5 days. Not happy about that. I've had 2 cups of smooth move tea today so far. I can feel things moving but not out just yet.

I'm alone right now. The kids are in school and my husband and in-laws went to Costco (always an adventure for them). I told him I'd take it easy and call if I needed him. I'm feeling so much better that they are afraid I'll push it. I get that so I really am trying.

Please take a moment to send a positive thought to Lavenderdiva. She and her family needs it right now.

Love you all!

It's late and I'm on drugs, but I thought I'd check in.

Hey all,

Well, I survived!! I can't tell you what a relief it is that it's over. Surgery lasted about 3 hours. I've been religious about taking my pain pills at minimal intervals and maximum quantities. I may start to taper off tomorrow.

I weighed in yesterday at 118. 118?!? Stress? Salt? It wasn't calories. Now I am puffed up like a puffer fish and strapped in 3 corsets and 2 of those sucky in socks. COMPRESSION socks. Damned drugs. :) Anyway, THAT said, I won't weigh in until I'm out of all of that. I know my calorie limits and I know what's healthy to eat. This will be a major test for me not to weigh in, go by what I know is healthy, and let the chips (ha!) fall where they may.

I had my first follow up today. They completely unbandaged me and I got a good look in the mirror. I have had experience with post-op surgery of this sort with my mother's reconstructive surgery, so I pretty much knew what to expect, and have "Realtor eye" so I also see potential. Even with all the bruising and me being swollen from head to toe, I could see he did a magnificant job. My belly is completely FLAT. My breasts are gorgeous, and will only improve when they drop and the swelling goes down. I have to admit though it was my tummy I couldn't get over. I am so glad I decided to go ahead with it as well.

Now I'm dealing with moving very slowly and a great deal of pain, but having so much support around me makes it so doable. A forced break is pretty fantastic too, I must say. The drains are terribly icky too. I'll have them another week or so. I am so looking forward to having a shower when I can!

Well, it's awfully late. I've been having blogger withdrawels! Here I am in bed with my laptop on my very flat lap. :)

Love to you all and thank you SO MUCH for the positive thoughts - I know it helped with my surgery and recovery!

Home on my iPhone typing this - alive!

116 - no steak day after all but a loss nonetheless. Tomorrow is surgery day!

I went to get the steak but it smelled of rotten milk so I threw it away. I was so disappointed! So, I ended up having "hapjes" (appetizers) with my in-laws when they arrived last evening. Little "purses" with spinach and cheese, and Greek appetizers with phylo filled with the same. That and wine from my sister's winery.

Lavenderdiva, you weren't kidding about the compliments. they couldn't stop gushing about how incredible I looked and that I was back to the women they first met. These people have always had my back and been there for me. I adore them and am so fortunate to have them in my life.

Tomorrow is the day. My husband will drive me and my sister-in-law to the surgical center tomorrow morning, and then he'll come back to the house and get the kids to school. I should be ready to come home around noon.

I am extremely nervous if I let my mind go there. I'm trying to keep as busy with things I won't be able to do such as wrap presents, etc. and that is helping. I do need to get a few books for my daughter as I didn't realize I'd gotten some for her brother but not her.

I think I'll take a xanax tonight before bed to help me sleep.

Think good thoughts for me please!

Love to you!

2 weeks into P4 - 116.7 (116.1 on kiss ass)

It amazes me at how well I've stabilized. I've technically not had to do a steak day through all P3 and P4 after my last round if you go by my true last dose weight of 117.6. In fact, I don't think I've even surpassed that weight at all. I still like the idea of going with my average between that weight and 113.9 landing me at 115.75.

I am shocked I didn't gain more. Last night we went to a holiday party with co-workers of my husband who have turned into camping buddies in the Summer, and one couple is actually a property management client of mine now. I didn't hold back. I ate chips and dip and bacon wrapped stuffed jalapeño peppers, drank way too much wine and did a jell-o shot. This went on until midnight. To get on the scale at 4 in the morning to see only slightly more than a pound? Shut UP!!

I AM doing a steak day, only because otherwise the steak won't be eaten and I'm not one to waste a steak! I'm drinking lots of water.

So, here's a little miracle.

Utah is considered one of the breast augmentation capitals of the USA. I think it's right behind LA, though it may actually have surpassed them. That said, there are a LOT of plastic surgeons here. A LOT. Last night I was chatting with one of our friends who had been turned onto HCG after my success. She and her daughter did it over the Summer together. Her daughter was obese and has been thrilled to finally have something that works. That aside, my friend had also had the surgery so she was sharing with me her experience, giving me tips, etc. WELL. It turns out her husband's daughter works as a nurse for a plastic surgeon, and has worked with 7 different doctors. My friend texted her and asked who she worked for now. Yes, my doctor. She texted back that not only did she work with him, but he was the one who did all of her work as well! Not only THAT, but she is assisting him on my surgery. I've met her once before at one of our camp outs. I am so comforted that she'll be there! My friend told her how nervous I was and made sure she knew I needed extra hand holding. Is that the universe supporting and loving me or what?! Of ALL the surgeons in Utah...

My in-laws will be here tonight. I've got their rooms all done, fresh flowers in each, new towels, and everything spic and span.. Now I need to work on the bathrooms and my desk.

Love to you!

Day 13 P4 115.5 (115.1 on SU)

A girlfriend of mine stopped by last night. We had the rest of the Costco pizza and some yummy wine from the winery where my sister works. I had a steak thawed for today, fully expecting to need it. Nope! We do have a party tonight to go to so we'll see if I need it tomorrow. Hopefully not. I don't mind steak days, but I love the idea of just being stable. I even had a cookie last night.

I showed a home today with a barn. I'm 5' tall and not used to needing to duck. On my way back from the barn, we had to go through a gate with an iron bar across the top and I was walking full speed and wasn't paying attention. THUMP. Hit me square on the head! I felt completely discombobulated! If you watch CSI, you'll remember those scenes where something hits someone and then it zooms into the person to show the damage. I had those visions. As you all have figured out by now, I tend to panic easily.  I hadn't eaten before I went to show the home and had only a couple cups of coffee and I'm hoping that's why I'm feeling a bit dizzy now (though I did come home and fix myself eggs and turkey sausage for lunch). Boy do I feel dumb!

Tomorrow night my in-laws arrive. This weekend I will devote to getting everything prepared for them. I am so excited to be seeing them again. I adore them! Last time I saw them I had just finished up my first round and was 138 pounds. Last time they saw a picture of me with my current bod, they asked my husband if it really was me! I now weigh what I did when I lived in Holland. They have their daughter-in-law back.

Speaking of my husband... he flies to Portland the end of the month for a face to face meeting with his company's CIO.... :)

I love you guys! Have a great weekend!

Day 12? Is that right? Almost 2 weeks into P4 - 115 (114.5 on suckety uppety)

Stable. That's a great feeling! Especially considering how completely unnerved I feel.

I had a total breakdown this afternoon. It's been a long time since I actually sobbed. I was alone and feeling fearful and selfish. I felt so much guilt about the surgery and how I was putting my life at risk to do this and that I could possibly leave my children without a mother for my vanity. I sobbed. I felt waves of guilt and fear wash over me and I just broke down.

I needed the release. It occurred to me how I've left them without a mother for some time. How for so long I've been sleepwalking through my life and how much I've missed out with them because of that. I'm finally awake, and awake enough to question what the hell I'm doing with the surgery.

It is what it is and it will happen. Tuesday December 15 at 7 am Mountain time. It won't make a difference if I fret about it or not. Perhaps light a candle for me if you're up at that time, would you? :)

Still so much to do but I've run out of steam today. I took my daughter to the mall and she picked out a holiday dress. We were actually going for me as I have a party tomorrow night, but she saw this dress and lit up. I'm going to wear one I already have. :) Typical! I shouldn't be shopping pre-new body anyway, right?

Thanks for checking in with me! Happy Hanukkah!

P4, Day 11, 116.1 (115.7 on el suckety-upo)

Two words: Costco pizza.

So, I'm rethinking the whole LDW/LLW thing, as 115 is where I seem to be most consistently. I went ahead and added my LDW of 117.6 with my LLW of 113.9 and divided by 2 and get 115.75. I'm thinking I'll grab that as my "norm" and go from there. No steak day today. Oh, and I failed to mention that I fell into chocolate last night. I am progressively nervous about the surgery and was going for the wine too often so I thought if I had something sweet, I'd stop drinking. It worked. I doubt the gain was from that but from the sodium in the pizza.

I have nothing of any great importance to say. I'm trying to stay busy (which isn't hard to do with in-laws and Christmas coming and needing to prepare for that) so I can keep my mind off of the surgery. I have massive cleaning to do, especially in my daughter's room which literally looks like it was hit by an earthquake, as well as scrubbing the bathrooms to within an inch of their lives. I need to make sure all the finances are in shape. I need to wrap presents as I won't feel like doing that after surgery. Lots and lots and lots to do, thank GOD.

I bought several outfits from Costco yesterday that had zip fronts since I won't be able to pull tops over my head for awhile. I totally spaced that until they mentioned it at yesterdays appointment.

Here I am in my surgery day outfit:

It's nothing I would have ever picked out for myself but I LOVE it.

Okay guys, thanks for listening. I am so lucky to have you.

Edited to add...

Here is the ad for the place I'm going. The tree in the background is my doctor.

Steak day success! 115.4 (115.1 on suck up). Pre-op appointment!!

Helloooooo! I had my pre-op appointment today. Talk about nerve wracking! I know these jitters are normal but I'm telling you, I'm flipping out! I know this sounds nutty, but remember when I told you that I see 11:11 (I didn't realize until today I had my first appointment with the surgeon on 11/11)at least once a day and how I used to see Harley Davidson's and then Fed Ex, and now it's the Audi brand? Well, I've come to find comfort in seeing that brand (as well as the 11:11 - I consider that a hug from the Universe to me). I may be driving along and start to think about what I am about to go through, panic, look over and there is an Audi. It always makes me smile and I instantly feel better. I know, I know, it sounds crazy. I saw 12 Audi's today. This is not a popular brand in my state.

They took my "before" pictures. I signed a ginormous pile of papers stating anything and everything could go wrong and I acknowledge that. I'll never forget this one: "Death is the ultimate complication from surgery." Um, really? EEFRIGGINGADS!

My Doctor is a tree. He could easily be 7 feet tall. I don't know why, but I find this comforting. He's very easy to talk to and so understanding. I told him how scared I was and he said he'd worry if I weren't. Hmmm, maybe that isn't a comfort after all!

He's been so open minded. He'd never heard of a thermagram but was 100% behind me doing that instead of a mammogram if that was what my physician recommended.  I shared with him this article and he's looking into that as a possibility as well, so long as there's science to back it. In the mean time, I've upped my vitamin C intake.

Here's my thermagram:

See why self exams made me nutty??? My results for both were TH-2F (click for full size):

I'm off to go catch up with you guys. Christy in Seattle has a fascinating post that I got half way through before the line to pick up the kids moved and I was interrupted. Hope the rest of you updated as well!

*HUGS*

Day 9 - fell into the very salty beef jerky last night - 117.6!

Technically, I am AT my LDW so I don't NEED to do a steak day, however I seem to be stabilizing right around 115 which I am very comfortable with, and since I thawed a steak for after my "free" day, I may as well. It's going to be extremely busy for me today as is so I'll take advantage of that.

I received a faxed copy of my thermagram. Now I understand why a 2 and not a 1. I have lumpy breasts. I always have, hence why I got the thermagram in the first place so the doctor would feel comfortable operating. The report basically says I have lumpy breasts consistent with being estrogen dominant and that they are nothing to worry about. I now have a baseline to compare it to. This is a great comfort to me since doing self exams has been very hard. For me, I have to make sure the lumps are symmetrical. It's very nerve wracking to say the least!

I tried to pay the remainder of the balance over the phone with my debit card but it gave them an error. Bless Chase bank! GAH. So, now I need to go to the bank and get a cashier's check for the remainder, but it turns out that gives me an extra discount so it's all good! I'm going to go put on my face and take care of that next, along with some errands. Wish me luck. The roads are icy!

Hope you're doing GREAT!

Day 8 on P4 - 115.4 Yea, baby!

I knew I'd gain. Question was, how much and would I need a steak day? Answer, .9 and NO! I'm thrilled.

I've been super busy. You're not going to believe this but I picked up ANOTHER buyer! One of my tenants. To have this much activity this time of year is crazy. I am beyond thrilled. Of course nothing can really happen until after the holidays. I'm having my surgery a week from tomorrow! EEEEEEK! So, I delivered a box of chocolates to them for the holidays (from See's - they always hand out free samples and I've always saved them for my husband... not today! All mine).

I called the thermagram people again as I have yet to get my results. They should be in my mail anytime, but she assured me she'd fax the results if need be so I can have that ready for my pre-op appointment. I am hoping that had there been anything suspicious they'd be calling me rather than mailing the results.

UPDATE! I just heard from the thermagram people. They just got the report and will fax it to me tomorrow as well as send a hard copy. There is apparently a scale of 1-5, 1 being absolutely shiny clean and 5 being there is an issue we need to look into further. She said my report came in clean and I was a 2 (of course I am wondering why not a 1!). This gives us a great baseline for years to come to be able to scan for cancer and implants have zero effect on the scans, unlike with mammograms. I'm clean! Woohoo!

I have so much cleaning and organizing I need to do before my in-laws are here on Sunday. I wish the rest of my family felt the sense of urgency that I do - I could use the help!

I'll keep this short and sweet (like me - tee hee). Hope you're doing well! Y'all have been so quiet today on your blogs! C'mon, people! :)

Me and Sister Dottie D.!

FREE Sundays!

I almost forgot I did that in my previous P4s! I feel confident I've done fine stabilizing so I'm doing a free Sunday. I get whatever I want today. So, I ate fairly normally today with the exception of the wine at the listing appointment, and a low carb burger for dinner, and 2 marshmallow caramels for dessert. Weeeeeeeeeee!

Just in cases, the steak is thawing...

:)

1 week down in P4 - 114.5 (114.3 on suck up). WOW!

Oke doke! Looks like I'm nice and stable at a weight I deem perfect. Yea!!

It's COLD here. 19 degrees. UGH. It snowed yesterday so the roads are frozen. I will have to creeeeep to my appointment today. We're supposed to get socked with a major storm tonight through Wednesday (when my pre-op appointment is). I hate, hate driving in the Winter. Hate it.

Speaking of my appointment, I still have yet to hear back from the thermagram people. I'm a little antsy about that as I must have that before he operates. A week from Tuesday! Oh my heavens, okay, not thinking about that now.

I think I'm going to treat myself to a little chocolate today!

Hope you're all fantastic!

Day 6 P4 - 114.9 (114.5 on Suck Up) - hooray for Julian Bread!

I have to admit, I was a little worried given how sensitive I used to be to grains to try the Julian bread. I will also admit that I expected the bread to taste like cardboard. I toasted it and slathered it with butter. The bread was a little dry, but with melted butter? I thought I'd died and gone to carb heaven. It was yummy! As you can see, it had no adverse affect on my weight either! I am so happy to see my weight settling in here. Pretty soon I'll stop logging all my food as well, and simply allowing my morning weight to dictate what I eat that day. Today, I had another slice and put it under the broiler with a slice of pepper jack cheese. MMMMM! Yummy!

I had an incredibly productive day today. I dropped off a box of chocolates to one of my tenants and picked up their rent and deposited it. I then went down town to a book signing for a friend who is an actor who plays a very popular local character, Sister Dottie S. Dixon. The character he plays is of a Mormon mother of a gay son. He does a radio show, as well as a play and just released his book illustrated by Pat Bagley, "The Mormon Kama Sutra"

I got myself a copy (he gave it to me and even planted a big kiss on it!), as well as 4 more as Christmas presents for various lovies who are all ex-Mormons, thus able to get those references.

Oh, he was on The Colbert Report last month - he was one of the guys (the other is his partner) dressed as the Village People in this clip:

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Nailed 'Em - Mormon Church Trespassing
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor U.S. Speedskating

I came home to find an email from someone I know from the local wine club who is ready to start looking at homes! What a great surprise! So, I'm having coffee with them tomorrow to talk about that, and then I have a listing appointment with a mutual friend of "Sister D's" tomorrow as well. What FUN!

I hope you're all having a terrific weekend!

5th day of P4 - 115.1 (114.5 on suck up)

Hello, my lovies!

I was feeling so much better yesterday that I got very busy with all I've not had the energy for while I've been sick. I showed homes, did laundry, worked on my property management (I picked up a new rental! Yeah!), and delivered just moved cards to my past clients. I'm afraid I pushed myself a little too hard as I felt less fantastic this morning. I'm okay now, but I am going to move a bit more slowly today.

I've written myself a check to deposit in my main account that will cover the surgery. It will be paid for in cash. I have enough left over from my commissions to cover my taxes (if I have to pay any - I think I'll be getting money back but I'd rather be safe than sorry!).

So, I got down to 115.9 yesterday after my steak day. I was so busy yesterday and the easiest things to grab happened to be low carb, so I was basically eating P3 style and dropped another .8. I am going to try my Julian bread which arrived this week! I am thinking of having it toasted with a tablespoon of coconut oil, cinnamon, and stevia as a treat. Net 1 carb and 13 grams of fiber! We shall see! It's been awhile since I had any grains.

Thanks again for all the hand holding lately. I'm a highly sprung individual and come from a long line of over reactors (Father of the Bride!). You are beyond appreciated and your comments feel like virtual hugs!

This is for you!

Getting a grip. "AH-HA! ... duh..."

Lavenderdiva, THANK YOU. Your comments these last couple posts have blessed me. I actually had a clear idea as to what I was going to write tonight and then read your comment on my last post and saw that you said what I was wanting to say, only more centered and clear and I cannot tell you how blessed I feel that you're a part of my life. Truly blessed.

I realized tonight what a miracle I am. What a miracle my life is. What a miracle this protocol has been for me. What a miracle this community of blogs has become for me. What a miracle that we are transforming right before our very eyes - physically, emotionally, and spiritually. What a miracle!


I have always had the Universe's support. Always. Life isn't about routine and playing it safe. At least it never has been for me. To be so fearful of the change I crave so dearly is understandable, yet really silly when I consider what my life has been.

There was a long time when I wasn't so afraid. The only thing I feared was falling asleep and some men. In 1996, I got into a car wreck that totaled my car (left me unscathed thankfully), got divorced, and the family business went belly up. Within a few months of all that, I began having panic attacks. I thought I was dying. I was sure every time we drove over a bridge, it would collapse. I became paranoid that someone would poison my food if we went out to eat. Forget flying, elevators, or escalators. Even then, the Universe stepped in. A HUGE package of xanax ended up being mailed to my home, addressed to someone else. My parents and I tried to locate this woman to no avail. After I had a particularly bad attack, my mother gave me one and I realized I wasn't dying after all, and in fact felt quite good. I then went to a doctor got a prescription.

I continued to have these attacks for 2 more years. I remember walking through a grocery store with my mother having an attack and in tears telling her that I knew that one day, I would be well again. One day, I would not have to take a pill to stop me from believing I was dying. One day, I could tell someone who felt the same way that they too would get through this someday.

I haven't taken a xanax in over 10 years. The last time I had an episode that had me believing I was dying was 4 years ago. Sometimes I feel it coming on but I know what it is, and I'm not dying. I ride the wave.

My full blown panic is gone. My anxiety is still an issue, but I am a miracle. I am loved and supported. I am powerful. I can transform. I am proof of that. 

Life is incredible. To have a perception based on physical limitations is incredible.


The best drug to calm nerves is the truth. I've found it before in books such as "A Course In Miracles" and Gangaji, as well as Byron Katie's "The Work"

Thank you all for continuing on this journey with me. It helps to share it with you. It helps so much when you share with me.

We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves. - Buddha

3rd day P4 - 117.3 (116.8 on suck up). Steak day.

First, I need to thank you guys for the encouraging comments. I really, really appreciate it.

I'm up! :( I know technically I don't need a steak day if I go by my LDW rather than my LLW. Hmm. I think it's the sodium in all the chicken soup I've been eating. I am not big on salt normally.

Ok, I oscillate between being excited and being absolutely terrified. Right now, I'm terrified. It's actually why I'm writing, in hopes it will calm me down to talk about it. Hormonally Challenged Gal, I had to chuckle a little when you said I didn't strike you as someone who would make rash decisions. :) I'm just the opposite! I was ready to marry my husband the moment we met in person after a short online romance. I was raised in the circus! The only logic on this whole surgery is that his folks will be here to help take care of me while I recover. I am absolutely panicked about our finances as well as my physical safety - not sure which one has me more frightened. BUT, I've already paid 10% down and that is non-refundable. This is going to happen. I'm really trying to turn my nerves into excitement. It's scary.

I think I'm recovering from the cold. I was icky this morning but my head feels pretty clear now, which is great as I need to get to work. I've been sending out my Holiday postcards from my business. I need to make the appointment to meet with a potential new client while the iron is hot, and I have some homes to show my buyer as back up in case his offer fails for any reason. Things to do, and this needs to all happen before my in-laws are here on the 13th. Surgery is the 15th! Oh gads, and then I need to wrap presents (and buy some for the in-laws) all before I go in. There is so much to do. Here I am blogging. Sheesh.

Hormonally Challenged Gal, thanks for the compliment on my collage! I do one every year and it fascinates me how they turn out. We all get together with a huge pile of magazines and begin to just grab anything that grabs us, without thinking about it. We analyze after everything has been glued onto the poster board. Anyway, I took a digital image of it and uploaded the image to photobucket.com and in the blog html, chose that image as the background image so I could have it here. I also have it as my screen image on my computer. Hope that helps!

Okay, I leave you with a quote I saw today that I really loved.

A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse.- Stephen Dolley Jr

2nd day of P4, 115.9 (115.4 on suck up), lots of new intruduced.

Hey hey. I'm exactly 2 pounds up from LLW and not quite 2 pounds under LDW. This after introducing some starch and sugar, and having a handful of cashews last night (SALT!!). Not bad results. I'll keep the steaks out of the freezer for one more day just in cases (was that from Love Actually? My daughter says it all the time now and is so adorable).

I'm having a very hard time with my emotions right now. I panic when I'm sick anyway but to have the surgery looming exactly 2 weeks from now, I'm a mess. What am I doing?? I know it will be okay, but ACK!!

So, while on the trip everyone pulled my husband aside to get an idea as to why he'd not considered moving to Portland. God, I appreciate my family. My sister's wasband took him to a brew pub and questioned him further. What he told him was that the office there is much more formal and he prefers the laid back attitude of the Utah office, and that he felt Portland would be far more expensive than Utah. The first point I can't argue. The second one, I feel I can. I've looked at cost of living calculators between where we are versus there and there is about a 10K per year difference, however, this would assume I'm not working. My kids are old enough for me to go back to work. So, it isn't more expensive to move there. Our home has equity and the market out there got hit a LOT worse than ours. We could get a lot more home out there for the money.

At one point, he told me everyone was pressuring him to move to Portland. I replied, "We should!". He didn't say anything about it after that.

So, it's a matter of addressing that first point. It's a valid point, but so is the point that our kids will have so many more opportunities for them there, not to mention a culture that they'd fit in, that I'd fit in, and we'd be close to family. That's huge. HUGE.

His folks will be here in another couple weeks and I have this major surgery coming up. It's a lot of pressure so I'm not pushing the issue right now, but it will come up and I'm no longer afraid to say what I need to say.

So, there you have it. I'm moving very slowly and trying to move this bug out of my system. I'll get some emergen-c when I pick up the kids from school. Tomorrow I'll do some moving of commissions around on my various credit cards so I can pay for this surgery. I have another accepted offer on a pre-forclosure house that I believe will go through sometime next month, and I have a potential either listing or new rental coming up this week, and they want to buy too... but I've learned not to count unhatched chicks!

Love you guys. You really help me so very much.