Friday, December 11, 2009

Day 12? Is that right? Almost 2 weeks into P4 - 115 (114.5 on suckety uppety)

Stable. That's a great feeling! Especially considering how completely unnerved I feel.

I had a total breakdown this afternoon. It's been a long time since I actually sobbed. I was alone and feeling fearful and selfish. I felt so much guilt about the surgery and how I was putting my life at risk to do this and that I could possibly leave my children without a mother for my vanity. I sobbed. I felt waves of guilt and fear wash over me and I just broke down.

I needed the release. It occurred to me how I've left them without a mother for some time. How for so long I've been sleepwalking through my life and how much I've missed out with them because of that. I'm finally awake, and awake enough to question what the hell I'm doing with the surgery.

It is what it is and it will happen. Tuesday December 15 at 7 am Mountain time. It won't make a difference if I fret about it or not. Perhaps light a candle for me if you're up at that time, would you? :)

Still so much to do but I've run out of steam today. I took my daughter to the mall and she picked out a holiday dress. We were actually going for me as I have a party tomorrow night, but she saw this dress and lit up. I'm going to wear one I already have. :) Typical! I shouldn't be shopping pre-new body anyway, right?

Thanks for checking in with me! Happy Hanukkah!


lavenderdiva said...

hello friend! I'm so very sorry you had a meltdown today- I'll just bet you felt better afterwards though. Sometimes its very cleansing emotionally to just let go, and get it all out. There's years of pent-up feelings spilling out, and they are much better out than in.

May I just say that I think its good for children to see a mother who is in touch with her feelings, and is taking care of herself physically, emotionally, and spiritually? You are doing just that with this surgery. You love your children endlessly, but I also think it's good for them to see their mother loving herself.

I will be up at 7am on Tuesday, and you will be in my thoughts and prayers. You already are! Please check your pm on du.

You made the right decision on getting a dress for your daughter. You're gonna be a whole new size next week, and if you get something to fit you now, it won't fit in a week!

love you much. ***hugs to you***

Caitlin said...

Oh, you make my heart and thoughts go out to you! You are a wonderful woman and mother from all I can gather and I definitely will be thinking of you! You will do great! You have many who surround you both who know you personally and those of us who don't. We are all rooting for you!!!

helderheid said...

lavenderdiva, thanks so much for the kinds words. I felt so much better after crying. I've been trying to hold it together. Ironically, the release is what I really needed. Thank you for thinking of me.

Caitlin, that means so much to me! I've been just whirling and it's easy to lose perspective when you're so dizzy from it all. Thank you!!